The Mini Socks of Christa

Last Week....

2011-08-01T18:23:00.000-04:00

It's my last week of clinic!!!!!! I can't believe it. I'm excited to be able to go home for a vacation but heartbroken that clinic is ending. I wake up at 445 every morning excited to be heading to clinic. That says a lot since I am and always have been a night owl who struggles to get up each morning.

I have four days....containing initial evals, re-evals, therapeutic exercises, modalities, and sooooo much more. Then it's on to the bus at 7:30 Friday night .... to arrive home at 9:30.... to stay up all night and pack, clean, and prep..... to get up at 4am .... to leave at 5am for the airport... to get on my flight at 7am.... to head home.... WooHoo!!!!!!

A chatty car ride with one of the most lovely people I know.... a day with my Daddy.... and then a road trip to see the small cuddly... lovable.... baby smelling... nephew :)

Night Time....

2011-06-13T00:52:00.005-04:00

....is the hardest time......
(atleast for me --- I don't know if it's that way for others)... but night is when the ache creeps in.

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It's when I realize that I'm thirty one. I'm not married. No children. No prospects. A third of a doctorate degree. A crazy crack baby of a cat. An apartment that looks crazy. Have medical bills that make me cry. Acquaintences here in Boston but no --- "call in the middle of the night" friends.

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Each day I go to clinic -- and I enjoy it -- Don't get me wrong. It's not easy... not by any means. But there I have a purpose. There my patients that trust me to know and do what's best for them. It's terrifying but GREAT when I get things right and they get better.

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I get asked often two different questions. 1) How did you end up in Boston? 2) Will you go back to NC when you graduate? I give my usual answers --- 1) I did NYLF (National Youth Leadership Forum on medicine) in high school and came to Boston and loved it... love the city... and MGH Institute of Health Professions is a highly ranked program. 2) Eventually I'll go back South. Not because it's where I come from but because it's a part of me. But then that brings you back to my dreams...

I want a husband -- (my parents are celebrating their anniversary next week --- 40 years!!!! -- I want a marriage like theirs. They've been through a lot. Life has not been easy. They never fought in front of us --- they "debated" behind closed doors. We were always loved and supported. We had family dinner and talked about our days. There were always extra place settings for the friends that Amy and I constantly brought home. We always had a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen when we yelled at the world for being unfair. We didn't have a lot of money but we had all that we had all that we ever needed and so much more. I used to get frustrated that my friends always wanted to come to my house instead of us going to theirs. But I understand. This is what I want. I want kids and to dream of grandchildren in the future. I want a yard for them to play in and a garden in the back/side yard. I want family nearby. I want them to love Wilmington like I do and enjoy watching the leaves in the mountains from Aunt Amy and Uncle David's house.

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I don't regret being here --- I don't regret being in this program or learning all that I'm learning. I just didn't fully comprehend what I would be giving up. I'm thirty one --- not twenty-two.... and on nights like this one --- it all sinks in --- what I've given up -- where I am --- and what may be....

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At night.... I once again become the young girl dreaming of a house full of family.... packing lunches and sending her kids off to school.

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I don't regret my decision -- How could I ever tell my kids they can be anything they want to be and to reach for their dreams --- If I didn't go for mine? I couldn't. And so --- Here I am in Boston --- my family is all down South --- My friends all have boyfriends, husbands, wives, houses, and children.... my sister is having a baby..... and I'm here.

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So for now ---- I'm going to go dream of little kids with my blue eyes and tiny feet wobbling and running in the yard with the dog and a dad playing with them...

May all your dreams come true......

2 Down 8 to GOoooooOooooooOooooo....

2011-06-12T21:31:00.000-04:00

It's been an interesting two weeks. Clinic is FuN, neRVe raCKing, eXCiting, chaLLenging, and teRRFYing... all at the same time. My CI is really good. He has a very hands on approach to learning which fits in with my being a tactile learner. Some days I feel like I'm swimming and some days I feel like I'm doggy paddling to try and stay afloat....

What do I do?

take patients through their exercises
look for compensations
progress exercises and treatment if I find patients are able
re-evaluations
soft tissue massage
deep friction massage
suboccipital releases
electrical stimulation (E-stim)
ultrasound
iontophoresis
change pillow cases
apply ice packs --- and ice packs--- and more icepacks
apply moist heat packs -- and more MHPs--- and more MHPs... get the picture? :)
inital evaluations
plan of care (POC)
write SOAP notes
write up Evals
write up Evals
fax to docs
fax to insurance companies

As challenging and terrifying as it is --- it is confirming my love for this field. That being said -- I need to go finish POCs and progressions for some of my Tuesday patients....

Good Night...

Tomorrow... Tomorrow....

2011-05-30T19:37:00.001-04:00

I begin my full time clinical tomorrow ------ Aggghh!!! Say a prayer--Please.

I passed my finals for the summer minimester --- and jumped on a plane home that same day. The youngest of my two boys graduated from High School the next day and so I needed to be home. I celebrated with him and the family on Thursday. Friday morning I drove to Boone in the mountains of NC to help my sister with a day of prepping food for the freezer. She will be giving birth to my nephew in a couple of months and now she has some meals that will take very little time to fix. Saturday was the Farmer's Market, organizing baby clothes.... and then home to my parents' house to help repair a lawnmower, dig old textbooks out of storage, go grocery shopping, do laundry, prep dinner, and begin to pack. Sunday (yesterday) I unfortunately had to board a plane to come back to Boston. Flight left at 4pm -- I walked in my apt door around 11pm and promptly went to bed.

Tomorrow I begin clinical.....
I'll be at Baystate PT in Quincy, MA forty-four hours a week for the next ten weeks. Hopefully improving on the skills I possess and learning new ones. A bit terrified going in because last semester my placement was a clinic for patients with chronic back pain. I practiced NONE of my skills and we were forced to put each patient through the exact same circuit. Even if there were things we noticed were wrong and fixable. I'm ready to get in a clinic that has a more hands on and personal approach. This one is that way and my CI (clinical instructor) also sometimes does pedi (treats children). WooHoo!!!!

Wish me Luck!
I would love to be on the Maine coast where this picture was taken ;)

Exams, Showers, Teaching, Learning, Rain, and.....

2011-05-21T15:41:00.000-04:00

Woohoo!!! I passed my exams --- well --- did better than just pass...... I took a 10 day trip to North Carolina and now am getting ready to finish up a May Minimester....

SO I caught up on all of my classes - took my midterms and did well. Continued with all of my classes and learned a lot! In a couple of weeks I'll be heading out to a clinic in Quincy, MA to spend forty hour weeks treating patients, learning new techniques, and improving on my current skills. Can you tell I'm excited? (and very nervous)

But first --- I spent about 10 days at home throwing a party for the boys (my soon to be born nephew's baby shower and my dad's 60th birthday party). It was a lot of work -- and fun! I'm glad that I have a great group of friends and family I can depend on for help because planning a shower during exams and flying into the state the day before the party didn't lend itself to easy planning. The party was a success. Everyone seemed to have a good time -- I got to see lots of smiles from my dad and hear his bubbling laughter. My nephew now has a lot of pretty things for his nursery, a diaper bag, some slings to be nice and cozy at his Mama's chest or side, and LOTS of books. But let's be honest --- you can never have too many books --- and so it will be my eternal gift to my nephew --- lots of books :) I spent some time with friends and family. I was able to make a big ol' bowl of potato salad with my Grandmother and made paper chains with Christy. Spent some time on the side of the interstate capturing the gorgeous wildflowers. Had a great dinner with some of my most favorite people. and.....After Mother's day brunch at Cracker Barrel with Mama and Amy it was once again time to board a plane.

And then began the May Minimester ---- a three week intensive course on teaching, learning, and therapeutic exercise. The end of it will be Wednesday when I take a one hour practical exam proving that I have learned something. :)

Originally my schedule included a long trip home before I start my full time clinic. But seeing as how I was originally told it would begin on June 20th and have since found out that it will begin on May 31st..... It's not going to happen. So the hope is that I will be able to be home for a longer trip at the beginning of August that will allow me lots of time to love on my brand new nephew, family, and friends..... and receive lots of hugs in return.

What do I miss while I'm in Boston? Hugs --- Lance pb on cheese crackers --- Food Lion cheese danishes --- grilled chicken --- homemade icecream --- Hugs --- my family --- Cook Out Milkshakes -- Did I mention hugs?

I spent a lot of time just sitting outside in the sun talking with a friend yesterday. (It's been raining almost constantly for the last week or so) It came up that I enjoy being here in the city -- but being home in the "country" fits too. I get asked all the time "When you graduate will you go back to NC?" Eventually? Yes, most likely I will. Straight out of school? I don't know -- probably not. But I would love to one day have kids. I would love for them to have a yard --- a garden ---- a hammock between trees --- grilled food --- and homemade icecream in an old-fashioned icecream maker...

It was an odd sensation going home this last time ---- When the plane descended below the clouds over NC --- I was overwhelmed by all of the green. It was a reminder of one of the many things I love about my part of the country. Trying to explain to people that I lived in the middle between the beach and mountains and yes--- both are in the same state. In 2 hours I could be on the Blue Ridge Parkway -- and in 3 hours I could be walking on the beach. These are the things I miss. These are the things that will have me back in NC one day.

But for now--- I live ---- I learn --- I dream ---- and pray that one day those dreams come true.....

Drifting...

2011-03-04T08:37:00.000-05:00

It's been a really rough week- had the flu- was in the hospital for two days- missed exams- had to cancel my spring break trip home today- got my confidence shaken in a major way- lonely- need a break- This is the song that played on my iPod this morning- The beginning of this song is exactly the way I feel right now- like my heart is tearing in such a loud way---the whole world can hear it-- free falling off a building--- no net waiting--- the falling never stops--

Sunday is my mom's 60th birthday- my coming home was supposed to be her birthday surprise- my sister is announcing the sex of her baby- I'm supposed to be making a baby quilt with my sister for my new niece/nephew- I'm supposed to be spending pre-baby time with my sister because the next time I'm home--- there will be a new addition to the family---I'm supposed to be getting lots of hugs, gaining weight on Cook Out, Krispy Kreme, and What a Burger--- And yet-- here I am-- bent over books, trying to schedule make up exams--- and wondering if it's worth it---

I'm mentally tired-- I'm emotionally exhausted-- and I can't stop crying (and I don't cry!!)

"Drifting"

(by Bebo Norman)

Sometimes when I'm all alone
I don't know if I can
Take another breath
Some say home is where the heart is
Tell me where my home is
'Cause I am scared to death

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

I am drifting in the deep end
Holding on to your hand
Is all that saves me now
Life can treat you like a beggar
You hold me together
But I don't know how

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the streams

Some say home is where the heart is
And my heart is in your hands
You are all I need

Rising from the ashes
Lifting from the madness
Now you see my heart is
Deep enough to dream
Heal me from the deathblow
Lead and I will follow
Now you feel my heart glow
Mending at the seams

bLoOm

2011-02-09T20:53:00.002-05:00

Alma's Flowers

"Each day is God's gift to you. Make it blossom and grow into a thing of beauty."

I'm a bit obsessed with quotes. I have them written in my planner, on my computer screen, hanging on my walls, and on the bathroom mirrors. It's nice to be reminded of things in someone else's words. There are many things in life that we take for granted and many moments that we miss out on because we lose sight of what's truly important. On a really stressful and long day of school when I come home and there is no end in sight.... I need a reminder that it'll all work out... that people have survived this... and I will too. When my heart breaks at the lives and challenges of others I need a reminder that it's not all in vain. When I hear of beautiful children in a fight for their lives because of diseases and a horrible thing called C.A.N.C.E.R.... I need a reminder. When I hear on the news of people abused, horrible tragedies, fighting, and wars.... I need a reminder that it's not all bad. I need a reminder that amazing people come out of the turmoil...
The classes this semester are REALLY challenging and overwhelming. I'm also balancing being a PT patient twice a week and tutoring twice a week. There is homework from all of the above and the stress to meet the challenge is increasing.

Most mornings I get up ready to face another day. Other days it's a struggle to get out of bed... a struggle to get in the shower... a struggle to pack my three meals.... a struggle to bundle up for the cold... a struggle to get on the bus... and a struggle to walk in the front door of the school and then the classroom... One of those days occurred recently and on that day.... I paused a moment before walking out the door to turn my quote calendar to the day... and the above quote was there. It was exactly what I needed. God knew that I needed it and there it was.

I thought of two things: A little glass etching from my Dad many years ago that says "Bloom where God plants you." and the painting in the picture. The flowers were painted by my Great Great Aunt. Her name was Alma Anderson (affectionately known as "Anna" by her great/great great nieces/nephews. This is one of my favorite paintings by her and my amazing mom sent it to Boston with me. It hangs over my bed now. Anna and her husband Bubba (given name "Norman") were two loving people. She was a loving Southern lady (with the cooking to reflect it) and Bubba was a gentle giant who would do anything to get a smile out of us kids. This painting is one of my most prized possessions... it's a reflection of the love and support of a great family, the dreams yet to be gained, the possibilities of each day, and amazing hope for the future....

What do you cherish? What reminds you of your roots? What do you do each day to remind yourself that you are loved, you are cherished, and you can do this?

Recently Found Quotes...

2011-02-06T11:17:00.002-05:00

"To be truly happy is a question of how we begin and not of how we end, of what we want and not what we have." -Robert Louis Stevenson

What do you want? What are your goals? What are your aspirations? Do you have dreams? More importantly-- do you reach for them?

"Careful planning puts you ahead in the long run; hurry and scurry puts you further behind." -Prov 21:5

I'm working on this one. I am now typically 30min early rather than taking the chance of being late. However no matter how hard I work I always seem to be behind on my studies, my housekeeping (we won't even go there), my cooking, and my laundry...

"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking so good either."

I'm a bit ashamed to say that by the end of the week this is the way I feel and some days during the week. It becomes a matter of survival when the expectations are HUGE and coming from all different directions.

"Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart." -Mort Walker

Laughter is in fact good medicine and can be heard often at school. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at each other, we laugh at the things we are expected to do and the positions those expectations require.

Be sure to smile and laugh some today.... It will lower your blood pressure, reduce your stress, and improve your outlook on life ;)

An Update on the Here and Now...

2011-02-05T21:21:00.002-05:00

It's been a long time since I've posted. I went on a trip to Martha's Vineyard with a classmate after the summer semester. I spent a few weeks at home. I rode from North Carolina --> Boston in a moving truck with my Dad. I moved into a new apartment with a great landlord and maintenance staff.

Niki on the beach

I began my Fall semester of classes. My classes included Functional Anatomy, Fundamentals, Neuroscience I, Critical Inquiry I (research & statistics), Seminar, Practicum, and Pharmacology. I spent a month sleeping on the floor or a camping cot while I waited on IKEA to get mattresses in on a day that I could actually get there. My bed was delivered and I put it together myself (stupid mistake that has me in PT as a patient). I survived the Fall semester and passed my classes. I didn't do as well as I wanted to do but I survived and this semester is a new semester. I spent the holidays at home. I was in Wilmington with family, Myrtle Beach with family, Chapel Hill with Laurie, Burlington with Christy (to celebrate the New Years with lots of dancing), and a couple of days with my parents and then back to Boston.

And so now we reach this semester. I'm now in my Spring semester. My classes include: Musculoskeletal: Extremities I, CardioPulmonary, Critical Inquiry II, Neuroscience II, Musculoskeletal Pathophysiology, Health Policy, and Seminar & Practicum. As you can tell... It's a full semester. We've now been in classes for a month. Due to snow days we have yet to meet for our Health Policy class and our days have gotten longer due to added hours for make up days. In undergrad you look forward to snow days. In grad school they are a bit terrifying because the amount of information in one day is astounding. So... onward... and upward...

Yesterday and today I met many of the students interviewing to begin in the program this summer. I was asked two questions repeatedly:

"Did you like the cadaver lab?" YES! YES! Yes!!!!! I loved it! (the looks on their faces-- interesting)
"Is this program hard?" Umm--- YEAH! (Just a hint-- but if you need to ask me this question repeatedly... you probably shouldn't be here....)

So now with mounds of snow everywhere and more snow in the forecast for Tuesday and Thursday... I must hit the books once again.

Enjoy the Pictures!

the first snow

the recent snow storm... my walk to CVS

my walk home from CVS- This used to be a sidewalk

the Naval Yard - where I go to school- This was the 1st snow

Julia's Team... Please Support!

2011-01-30T00:57:00.000-05:00

You know my love of kids & my dream of working w/children fighting cancer.
This is an amazing little girl I know in the fight for her life. She was diagnosed in March 2009 with nephroblastoma (Wilms' tumor) with focal anaplasia. She is one of only 40 cases found each year. She underwent surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. The treatments were the lesser of two evils but now she is suffering from bowel issues due to the treatments. It's been a long two years and the time to come will also be a challenging path of courage, faith, strength, and prayer.

I am in graduate school in Boston and so I can't be in North Carolina to participate in this walk but I would LOVE to raise money for her team. PLEASE donate. All donations are welcome.

Pediatric cancer is NOT well funded. It is barely funded. 40,000 children and their families are fighting cancer. It may be our children, nieces, nephews, grandchildren, great grandchildren one day. Let's give them the best shot possible......

I'm giving up my weekly bread from the local bakery and the diet cokes I buy at school.

What can you sacrifice to help beautiful little children like Julia and their families not have to suffer? Can you give up your coffee for a week/a month/2 months? Let's show our children how much they mean to us.

To read about an amazing young lady:
http://littlepapiandpunkin.blogspot.com/

To donate to this wonderful cause and support this lovely family's dream:

Click here... PLEASE!!!

It is Finished!!!

2010-08-07T00:27:00.000-04:00

    I am officially finished with my summer semester at MGH Institute of Health Professions. I am officially on vacation. The ironic part is I can't seem to get my brain to stop... my body to relax... my mind to make decisions. Exhaustion is not an accurate word and I'm actually struggling to write this post :) So I'll tell you about the last couple of weeks. We studied the lower extremity and back a couple of weeks ago. It's always fun to uncover the sciatic nerve. The size of it is always a surprise... it's like a twizzler. Seriously! Then this last session was the upper extremity, neck, face, and brain. Woohoo! I have stories to tell but I don't want to gross anyone out. So I'll just say that there were mallets, saws, and chisels. If you want to hear stories...just ask! I even rubbed off on a couple of my classmates. In the end they were joining in the fun. I LOVE the cadaver lab. It is an absolutely amazing experience/oppurtunity. If you haven't read it.. you should read my former post about it... Shirley. The brachial plexus was also in this section. That's always interesting. I hope to one day teach in a cadaver lab. As my friends say.. I'm a nerd.
   Afterwards we went out to celebrate. We had reserved the patio of a resturant near downtown. However.... God had other plans. As we were taking our practical the bottom fell out. It was dark, it was thundering... we all just chuckled. After checking in our bone boxes (yes... human bones) we threw away our lab clothes (very refreshing... and a bit sad) and began our journey to the party. We made it out into the second hallway. It was dark... Really dark.. and all we could see on the class ceiling was RAIN! It was like multiple firetrucks were spraying the roof. After the lightening really picked up and we realized we were on the top floor (4th) with only a glass ceiling between us and the lightening we decided to head downstairs to comfy chairs and wait it out.. After chatting for a while, stealing.. I mean... borrowing some trash bags from Harvard Medical School... we wrapped our books in trashbags.. We have grown to love our Netter's Atlas'!!! Some very odd connection :) Long story short. The streets were flooded. The water was up to the door on the bus. We made it to the restaurant to find that we now had an entire bar area to ourself with several bartenders at our disposal. It was great fun and our professor and some of our clinical instructors came to celebrate with us. The pictures are from lastnight. Lots of laughter, lots of dancing... a great group of people. It's hard to believe we won't see each other for a month!
    The next month.... Today I had dinner with a friend I have greatly missed. Tomorrow morning I leave for Martha's Vineyard for four days of relaxation with a classmate and her family. (Ironically there is a massive amount of great white sharks swimming around MA now... so probably not a lot of swimming) I return Tuesday and fly home on Wednesday... Woohoo!!! If you can't tell... I LOVE North Carolina!!! Not to mention I miss my friends, family, and my cat :)

So I'll be around... I'll probably post... and I'll work on my tan...
God Bless!

Halfway there.....

2010-07-11T18:24:00.000-04:00

      I've now been in Boston for over a month and in about a month I will be heading home for a few weeks. That sounds easy doesn't it? In reality I still have four major exams, many hours of class, days in the cadaver lab, and a search for an apartment to go in the next month.

     I went for my follow up appointment at the MGH clinic and was informed that it would be another six weeks before I start getting back to normal. I admit I was hoping for a better timeline but with each day I can feel the exhaustion that's still there. It's less obvious but still there. I have taken two exams so far. One was written and one was a lab practical. I did okay on the written although I wasn't excited about the grade. The lab practical was a different matter. Let me explain how it works. Our cadaver lab practicals are set up just like medical school lab practicals. The bodies are all tagged with tape, string, or flags. The structures tagged are to be identified. The tape placed on bones sitting around the room are to identify the muscle that attaches there. We have one minute to complete each station and then we move to the next station. At some stations the minute is a LONG time and at others you wish it was two minutes instead of one.  I love the cadaver lab. It's an amazing experience and an incredible opportunity for learning. As I am a very visual and tactile learner...it is GREAT!

    My friend Merrit came up for the 4th of July. If you ever have the chance to go to Boston for the fourth you should do it. The entire weekend is full of opportunities including tours, "chowdah"fest, and fireworks with the Boston Symphony... We went to the riverbank of "the Chuck" early in the morning and camped out for the day. As the fireworks started we had an amazing view!!! I took pictures but I haven't had time to look at them yet. I'll try to post some next week.

    As for right now I must get back to studying. Two major exams coming up on Thursday. Say a prayer...or two... or five :) After Thursday I can breathe. Until then... it's a stressful time....

    I'm hoping for a cool streak in the weather as I know my friends and family in NC are too.... When it's in the 90s in Boston... with no air condition... it is not a comfortable situation.... But it is much better than the massive flooding that occurred here yesterday. Beneath overpasses were measuring at 18ft of water with people trapped on top of their cars.

    Back to the muscles... off to draw... and learn.... and sing... and be silly... and do myotome dances... (they aren't cute but they help me remember...)

An Uneasy Day....

2010-06-12T01:41:00.000-04:00

I can think of no other name for the day. I guess I should back up a few days....

I woke Sunday morning nervous and excited to be boarding a plane to Boston. The problem was that I awoke with an unwelcome guest. A new flower must have begun blooming during the night for my allergies were annoying Sunday morning. There was nothing to be done but finish packing, hop in the car, and head to the airport. Accompanied by my mom, Merrit, and her tiny car I began my trip. By the time I arrived at the airport my allergies were more of a problem....I guess the real problem was finding enough tissue. I said my "See you Later" " I love you"s and headed for security. Apparently I looked suspicious and the box of chalk in my backpack caused a problem. Everything was emptied out of my backpack and the scan was repeated.... FIVE times!!! Seriously! It's a BOX OF CHALK!!!! Anyway, I made it through and by the time I reached the gate I was in serious pain with my head and sinuses. A kind passenger was ease dropping on my phone conversation and volunteered a Zyrtec as I tore my bag apart trying to find the Xyzal I know I packed. I accepted.

Fast forward.... By the time I arrived in Boston I was in serious pain. By the time I arrived at my apartment my fever was 102.1 and I could barely speak my name. 10 minutes later the power went out for the next seven and a half hours. I took medicine and went to bed. With tylenol my fever was down the next day and I was at school for orientation with a smile on my face and an ear out of which I could not hear. As days progressed it seemed that the obnoxious nose running was ending. Then yesterday I felt incredibly run down and I knew it had moved to my chest. Yesterday was a full day of lecture and cadaver lab. When I left lab lastnight it was to late to go to the clinic. So this morning I boarded the green line, changed to the red line, and walked to "The General" (Mass General Hospital). After getting my blue MGH registration card I walked into the Walk In Clinic (appropriate, don't you think?) and waited to be seen by a doctor. My bp was up and my temp was elevated. I made flashcards about skin layers while I waited. Finally I was greeted by a physician with kind eyes and a nose and mouth hiding behind a blue mask. After a juggling of latex glove boxes I was seated comfortably in an exam room with a very concerned doctor. In the room all I could hear was the sound of my labored breathing. It was worse than the struggle that had woken me during the night. After many questions and an exam in which no air could be heard traveling though my lungs (with a stethoscope) I was given a nebulizer treatment. The only change was that I was more tired and with the fatigue it became even harder to breathe. The next choice was a chest x-ray.

So off to radiology where I would be told to "take a deep breath" and hold it.... Sorry. I can't. That's why I am HERE!!! I did the best I could and then waited on the results. The results showed what was already suspected. I have pneumonia. I've never had it before. Never even been concerned that it was a possibility. So I was given five prescriptions containing inhalers and pills and a list of over the counter meds to purchase. Thankfully I have insurance but the total was still my grocery bill for the month. So my orders from the doctor are to rest, take my meds, drink lots of fluids, and stay away from the school and cadaver lab. I'm not happy with the ending. I need to be in the lab. We have lab check on Tues and I will not be ready. You think you've read what made it an uneasy day, right? Nope.

The doctor quietly and sadly informed me that the hearing issues are due to damage from the pressure of flying with a sinus infection. When asked if it would return I was told that hopefully most of it would return. Hopefully. I'm trying not to dwell on it and praying for a FULL recovery. My hearing is not great anyway but to have more taken is not a possibility I want to have to deal with.

And so.... I'm off to make more flashcards since apparently the meds are keeping me wide awake....

Good ~~Night~~ Morning!

Tired of the Car....

2010-06-03T14:25:00.000-04:00

....and ready for PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION!!!

This past weekend Daddy and I drove up to Boston and back with a carLOAD of clothes, textbooks, toiletries, etc.... After many hours in construction we sought out a hotel and crashed for the night entering Boston the next morning refreshed (okay... not really...). It was a day of unloading the car, running errands, walking many MANY miles (my left hip was testifying to it), and crashing on the floor. I'm subleasing a friend's apartment for the summer so I took no furniture... it's funny. An empty living room except for a set of bookshelves already full of books. A classmate from last year offered her bedroom furniture for the summer. It allows her to have storage for her furniture and allows me to not sleep on an airmattress and live out of a suitcase for the summer. A win win!

The highlight of the trip for Daddy was going to the Harvard Bookstore... "The Coop" (like "Coop"er). It was a good thing because one of the men working there was more than willing to give us a better route to drive home. His Grandfather graduated from Chapel Hill many many years ago. The route home was much more peaceful and beautiful than the ride up. I would love to vacation in the Northern part of NY state one day.... BEAUTIFUL!

So now I'm back in the big NC. Yesterday was fun. I had to go to Greensboro to run some errands. I was able to go to my favorite scrub shop for cheap scrubs for the cadaver lab. I'm not willing to purchase my favorite (Iguana) scrubs to throw them away at the end of the summer. Cheaper is certainly better ;) Chalk for the study rooms in Harvard Med School.... a camelback water bottle. Then it was off to lunch with Cheryl... YUM!! and perusing of fabric with my crafty little friend. More errands. Then dinner with some of my favorite people! Delicious dinner, lots of (make your abs hurt) laughter, and big hugs.... Can't think of anything better.... The cherry on the sundae was arriving back home before my parents (they were at the James Taylor/ Carole King concert). An empty house and a piano stacked high with my music.... Paradise!!

I'm now off to pack yarn for shipping, sorting of stuff for the August move, and laundry. Our family will be celebrating the wedding of my baby cousin Shelby this weekend.... and then I'll be flying home to Boston on Sunday. Classes begin Monday.... My heart races at the the thought...but I know how hard it was to leave Boston this past Sunday. It fits... I fit... There's no place like it. If you haven't been you should go.

Seeing as how my Joy of Cooking cookbook is currently in Boston and I'm in NC... That project will begin soon...

A New Project....

2010-05-17T18:09:00.000-04:00

...because I have too much spare time. Just kidding!!

I like to cook. That's no secret. I've found that when I don't cook I don't eat well. When I don't eat well I don't feel well. Duh! While in grad school last summer I found it easiest to cook during the weekend and freeze part of the food in small portions to eat through the week. It of course was supplemented with fresh fruits and veggies, sandwiches, and my love of peanut butter crackers.

In the last couple of months I have discovered a love (obsession) with fresh broccoli. I have always liked it raw (with ranch, of course) but not cooked. I think the raw love is from going to a farm as a child to pick broccoli and cauliflower. I enjoy both raw. That's the way school field trips should be. But I digress. In the last couple of months I decided to take a chance and cook some of the fresh broccoli in the fridge. I LOVE it!!! On Saturday my mom and I went to the Farmer's Market in Salisbury. (If you're in the area you should definitely check it out! Great plants, fruits, veggies, local meat, eggs, cheeses, and baked goods) The only thing I knew I wanted was ... You guessed it.... BROCCOLI!!

So this made me think (trouble). I have an old 1967 copy of Joy of Cooking by Rombauer and Becker. I can't afford to cook through it...nor do I have the time. But let's be honest...while I am aiming to be adventurous...there are definitely items in the book I will NOT be eating!! My goal is to make at least ONE dish each week. Some weeks will be more but my goal is a minimum of one. I have already found many recipes that use items that are typically in my kitchen.

And so... I will be blogging about the experience. I'll write about the dishes I fix, the tips that work, and my successes. I will also write about the dishes I refuse to try, the tips that are unhelpful, and the ridiculousness that is described as "Easy Entertaining..."

Please come back and visit... Join the journey... Join the fun....

Want an Update?!

2010-05-17T17:51:00.000-04:00

Each day rushes by with amazing speed and my to do list seems to be at a standstill. No matter how much I do the list seems to be getting longer rather than shorter. Here's a LITTLE portion of my to do list...

order new gait belt
confirm loan details
get TB test / reading
send in TB test results
opening checking acct at new bank
unpack
clean out
organize yard sale stuff
yard sale ads
yard sale signs
YaRd SaLe!!! (Sat May 22)
pack
post flowers for sale
publicize current flowers for sale
study
find bathing suit for school
blah blah blah blah blah....
...and on and on it goes...

This is what I do each day. Tomorrow is a TB test, new bank account, and a ton of phone calls. At some point in the next two weeks I'm hoping to see some friends before I go.... We'll see....

What does your week look like?

2010-04-20T23:09:00.000-04:00

Petal Therapy

My Dayzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......

2010-04-20T23:04:00.000-04:00

....are interesting and full. It's an odd sort of reality. I'm busy but some days my brain feels like mush. Is it an actual inability to comprehend things or is it that my brain doesn't know what to do without school and work. For so long I've been in school and working... juggling projects, tests, and the daily grind. Now I'm juggling a million items that don't include studying and it's as if my brain has ceased to function. I've filled out my loan applications and it looks like I'm heading to Boston in the summer and back to school. I guess I need to work on waking up my mind.

On a totally different note... One of the things I've been juggling is a new "business"....shop online. It's called Petal Therapy (PT for short). I crochet flowers and make them into pins, hair clips, pillows, etc. It's a slow moving process....getting the store running. There's a link on the right side of my blog for the store. Check it out! The hope is that I can sell enough flower products to pay for the everyday mess of bills (food, transportation, medical, misc....) so that my loans will be purely for rent and tuition/fees. This is the hope... we'll see how it goes.

It's an odd sort of reality. In some ways it seems like I've been here forever and sometimes it seems like I've just moved home. It's been SEVEN months!!!!!! Seriously!!!! I have a great family. One that takes you in when you need it, makes you laugh when you need it, and support you when you cry. I am truly blessed. But the plan is to move at the end of May with classes beginning the first week of June.

I'm now rambling and I'm meeting a long lost friend and her two girls for lunch tomorrow. And with that.... I'm heading to bed! Goodnight Y'all!!!

Streaming Thoughts.......

2010-03-13T01:40:00.005-05:00

....inside my head...

Life changes from day to day like the temperatures in North Carolina this winter. I've had a lot of time to think. In some ways this is good but in many its bad. How often do you run things over and over in your head? Conversations, actions, mistakes, decisions, encounters..... over and over... For me it's not really a good thing. I tend to dwell on things. Could I have changed this? Should I have made a different decision? What could I have done better? All of these things rush through my head... It's a bit like standing under a waterfall and trying not to drown.

I know I was where I was supposed to be during the summer. I guess deep down I know I was supposed to be home during this period. I don't have to like it. Nobody asked my permission or opinion. I just have to survive it. But to simply survive it isn't really the true key.... is it? I don't simply want to survive... I want to live. I want to make it through this period with "me" intact. My frustration comes from the feeling of losing that. Who am I? Where am I supposed to be? What is my purpose? Who truly care? Who really matter to me? It's scary to think how fast it can all disappear.

I've been following a little girl named Layla Grace. She was an adorable little girl with cancer and she died a couple of days ago after a long couple of weeks. She was only here for a short time and touched so many lives. Her mom's twitter today said "I have several things to do before Layla's Celebration of Life tomorrow, so why can't I get out of bed? It's like I can't even move." It hit home. This is the way I feel. I struggle. We all have days like this but I didn't just lose my daughter. I'm watching a dream slip away. It's nowhere near the same. and yet.... I'm stuck... under the same waterfall.... spinning in circles but never getting from beneath the falls.... But you know what? There is hope. A tweet I received this afternoon "There is a proof of hope: if you're still here, you have a purpose to fulfill. best part of life is ahead for you."

Why am I typing this? Why am I telling you this? To get it out? To share my story? (or a small part) ... Because I know others struggle with days like today? I don't know.

There is a hope. An eternal hope. His name is Jesus. I know He's there and I know He's holding my hand. The Bible says that you won't be given more than you can bear. But do you ever think that maybe God has overestimated your capabilities? Maybe I'm supposed to be able to bear this because that's the way He made me... but maybe I've botched that up somewhere along the way. Maybe I'm just tired... maybe I'm too tired. I'm tired. Tired of not sleeping, of not eating, of having to be cheerful when I feel the opposite. Tired of trying to fill other's expecations and failing miserably each and every day. I understand why kids who are told degrating things all the time do poorly in school and have a low self esteem. It beats on you. Life is hard enough without feeling like a failure. I ache for those kids...and for the adults who feel that way each day. I have a new appreciation for the people on the subway just struggling to survive....the men, women, and children in the shelters...

We help others....but do we help them "to survive"... or "to live?" I've been following a blogger trip to Kenya with Compassion International. It's the kind of things I want to do. It's what I ache to do. My original "plan" or "goal" in life was to be a doctor with Doctors Without Borders. Many people don't know that. They know I want(ed) to be a doctor... pediatric physiatrist. But they didn't know Doctors Without Borders. You see... if you ask people about my dreams.. my goals.. they'll tell you I want to go back to MGHIHP to get my DPT.... some will tell you I will then go to school part-time for my advanced masters in pediatrics so that I can sit for the boards to be certified in pediatrics. All who know me will tell you I want to have kids. I want to be a mom. Some will tell you I want to adopt. Those same people will explain that I want to adopt children that no one else will adopt. What people know about you is different. It varies with the relationship. I don't tell much unless asked. I can talk to you all day and not tell you about me. It's how I roll :) In all honesty, it's protection. A wall that keeps me safe.

Most of my friends are married and having their second, third, or fourth baby. I'm not married. School was my priority and now that's in question. Funny how changes make you question your priorities. For today, I will choose to believe that I'm heading in the right direction...although a bit crooked... I'll choose to believe I am loved... I'll choose to believe that I am protected.... I'll choose to believe there is hope. It is a choice....but some days it is harder than others. I hope today is a day of easy choices for you... but in case it is a struggle... Read these lyrics... Listen to the song...

"I Have to Believe" by Rita Springer

I have to believe that He sees my darkness
I have to believe that He knows my pain
I have to lift up my hands to worship
Worship His name

I have to declare that He is my refuge
I have to deny that I am alone
I have to lift up my eyes to the mountains
It’s where my help comes from

He said that He’s forever faithful
He said that He’s forever true
He said that He can move mountains
And if He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move Your mountain too

I have to stand tall when the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong when I’m weak and afraid
I have to grab hold, hold of the garments
Garments of praise

I have to sing praise when the hour is midnight
He unlocks the chains that bind up my soul
My sin and my shame, He has forgiven, and made me whole

I have to believe...

I'm Still...

2010-03-12T13:17:00.001-05:00

...ALIVE!!!!

Things are a bit crazy right now. It's all of the normal every day routine "stuff" with the addition of an acceptance into an art/craft show in Greensboro next weekend. I've been making flowers like crazy! After many requests I am also in the process of starting an Etsy store. It's an interesting process but will be GREAT in the long run!

I'm also trying my best to get back to school in June.... If you have any ideas feel free to share!

Alright... I have to run and create a DIY table top macro studio to photograph my flowers.... I'll update again soon... I pRoMiSe!!!

Petal Therapy (Etsy Store)

A Lovely Lady....

2010-01-23T11:07:00.001-05:00

As many of you know I was not excited about my LOA (Leave of Absence) from school. Not in the slightest. However, there is always a reason for the way things happen. This is my Grandmother and she has the beginnings of Alzheimer's. It's progressing at a much more rapid pace than any of us want it to. When I'm in grad school I only see her at Christmas and possibly once during the summer. It's not enough time. I was blessed to be able to stay with her for a week after New Years and we had a ball! We read (me books, her newspaper), we ate, we baked, we went to the beach, we went to the Aquarium, and we spent time together....

I took some pictures of her while I was there. I don't want posed shots. I want shots that are true to her and the way I know her. Every morning from a very young age I remember her getting up, fixing a mug of coffee (her first of many), getting the newspaper, and sitting down to read. In the summer she sits on her screened in back porch so she can watch all of the birds at her many bird feeders or sitting in the livingroom (as pictured above) looking out at the birds in the front yard (and feeders). When I asked if I could take pictures of her she said, "Really?".... "um... ok... SURE!" I took a ton in hopes that some of them would have her personality shining through. I captured some that I love and I'm hoping for some more this weekend.

She's a special lady and I don't look forward to the day when she knows not who I am. For now... we laugh, we eat, and I repeat things over and over again with a new spin on the answer each time...

G: "Did you bring the food in?"

Me: "Yes. I put them in the refrigerator."

G: "Christa, did you bring in the food"

M: "Yes Ma'am I put them in the box beside the freezer."

G: "Oh the fridge."

G: "Did you bring in the food?"

M: "Yes Ma'am I put it in the cold thing with shelves that helps to keep food fresh"

G: "Ahh... the refrigerator.... Good girl...."

And so it goes.... we've made a game out of it... and if it makes her keep using different parts of her brain... I say..... Bring it on!

Long Time...

2010-01-14T01:17:00.002-05:00

....No See...

I'll be posting this weekend. I was in Wilmington and then Myrtle Beach for Christmas. Then last week I was in Wilmington caring for my Grandmother who has dementia. I'll be getting back on schedule in the week to come... a rebirth with the new year...

a Surprise Blessing

2009-12-21T02:10:00.001-05:00

Travis Cottrell, Cindy Morgan, and Shaun Groves came to Westover Church Thursday night for a Gloria concert. The proceeds of the concert went to the Compassion International foundation and they talked about the children you can sponsor. For $38.00/mo you can provide food, education, housing, medical care, and much much more for a child. Please consider sponsoring a child; it is truly one of the most selfless things you can do. I wish I could remember how many thousands of children die from malnutrition each day! (I will find out and post it.... it was a breathtaking number that brought tears to my eyes.) For more information and/or to sponsor a child please visit Compassion International . I have multiple sponsored nieces and nephews supported by my sister and brother-in-law. You receive a picture of the child and can exchange letters with him/her. Please pray about it.

When I discovered they were coming to my old church I hoped to go. Circumstances were as such, that it was not really possible. On the day of the concert I received a phone call offering tickets for my mom, my dad, and me. The possibility was exciting but I had no idea what the evening would hold. We grabbed a quick dinner and headed to the church. After seeing friends and finding our seats we began our adventure as a member of the audience/congregation. The first half was classic Christmas hymns and carols including video footage of the Peanuts and old school Frosty the Snowman. The second half was a worship experience.

Shaun talked about no matter how you arrived at the concert it was because God wanted you there. It wasn't because your husband dragged you, a friend bought you tickets, or you felt guilty. You were there because God wanted you to be there.... needed you to be there.... you needed to be there. "Follow That Star" was one of the songs sung by Cindy Morgan. With the first verse she had me with the tone of her voice, the musicality, and the melody. With the second verse it took my breath away. If I had the skill to write a song (writing is not a gift I possess) about the way I feel.... this is it. It was as if the song had been written especially for me and her amazingly melodious voice was meant to sing it.

I have never been one to say that life as a Christian is easy. In some ways, I think it becomes more challenging. As one of my friends (an unsure believer) said... "When things go wrong, not only do you have to wonder if it's a sign from God that you are heading in the wrong direction.... you also have to figure out if the devil is unhappy with what you are or are about to do and is trying to stop you...." Well put. I think it's a great statement that just begins to touch on the struggle of believers. I believe. I know I am still alive today because of my Heavenly Father (there have been some close calls). I know that he made me and has a purpose for me. That being said, it does not mean that I don't question my hearing, wonder about his judgment, or think that he is overestimating my ability to carry a lot and still stand ~~tall~~ short. Now is one of those times. I'm working my way back...but right now God and I are often in a tug of war. I think He's okay with that. I am a firm believer that God likes questions. He wants us to think things through... He did give us freewill after all. He sees the whole picture and I see little tiny pieces. I trust him. It's just harder sometimes than others to trust without questioning.

Do you question? Have you ever been in a place (in your life) that you know is exactly where you are supposed to be.... just to have it taken away? Did you feel lonely/betrayed/disappointed? Who do you turn to when life gets hard?

Below are the lyrics to the song "Follow that Star." I tried to set it up to play but it was unavailable. I highly recommend that you listen to it. It's a soulful melody with an amazing message. If this song touches your soul I pray that a comfort and peace beyond understanding is so present that you know He is right there with you. He loves you and I more than either of us could possibly imagine. When times are tough... that is enough....

Follow That Star (Cindy Morgan)

Tonight, feels like there’s something in the air

Tonight, it’s like the sky is filled with prayers.

Maybe I’ll follow; follow that star.

Oh I, I felt this emptiness inside

Maybe this will be the night…

that I’m sure…just what my life is for.

Wake up each morning with hope in my heart

Out of a dark

Oh, God,

I hear your name out on the street,

but what do you mean to me

You’re so grand, living there up in the sky,

could you care about my life?

Maybe I need, maybe I need a sign

Maybe a star I could follow

Lead me wherever and I’ll go

Cause it feels like your voice is speaking to me

Like there’s something you want me to see

So I’ll follow, follow that star

Follow that star

A Need for a Change...

2009-12-19T21:32:00.004-05:00

It’s 3am and I am wide awake. This has become the norm… but like other norms I will be happy to break this one. I’ve never been so fond of “the norm.” In high school I repainted my desk to read “DoN’t bE nOrMaL bE HaPPy!” and I still find the statement appropriate.

Why do we lump people into groups? Why do we decide that because one group is doing something a certain way, others should also? Why are all couples expected to have children? Why must pregnant mothers be given blue or pink clothes based on the sex of the unborn baby? How can we decide, before the baby is born, whether it will like pink or blue? I always make a point of gifting yellows, greens, etc… Why must a young boy play with trucks while girls should play with dolls? What’s wrong with a young boy styling the hair on his big Barbie head? Why should girls like to wear skirts and dresses? (I do, by the way, but it is a recent development…) Why are handmade gifts so much more fun than bought presents? What can I make for gifts out of things I already have? Would that old tablecloth work for a reusable grocery bag? Can I also make an apron from that material? Is there enough?

These are the kinds of questions that go through my head at 3am. This is why I don’t sleep. The “what ifs”,” if only(s)”, and “could its” rear their ugly heads. I then lay here staring at the ceiling or the back of my eyelids until I pull out yarn and a hook, a book, or my blackberry. Am I the only one who does this? Am I the only one who is unable to discontinue my brain long enough to sleep? You would think I would be super smart with all of this extra work for my brain. When in actuality it makes my brain feel like slush…. Like the ice/sleet/snow on the ground that has been trampled repeatedly.

So this is my thought process…. I will put my thoughts to paper/laptop in hopes that my brain will slowly shut down without doing major harm to the knowledge hidden in the deep dark crevices.

I can guarantee no topics…for my brain is like a sponge and contains some incredibly odd information. I love science. I love logic. I love questioning things and digging deeper. This is a quest to renew my blogging. It’s a quest for freedom and quest for peace. Feel free to comment for comments are always appreciated and it’s nice to know I am not the only one who reads my musings.

Possible Topics:

-current books read

-recipes tried

-societal norms

-the food controversy (organic, local, hormone free….)

-Biblical highlights from current Bible studies

-Quotes of interest

-General fun and nonsense

-Lots of pictures!!!

-Any suggestions? Feel free to contribute

Prayer for a Contest?

2009-12-19T21:28:00.004-05:00

I just entered a contest for what would be an AMAZING gift! Is it wrong to pray to win?

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

No luck! Maybe next time!!!

My Boy...

2009-12-16T01:04:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted much lately because things are a struggle and when I started this blog I never wanted it to be a depressing blog. So with that said... I will shove aside the suffocating and overwhelming feelings of need/anxiety/ and panic... to tell you about my week. I was blessed this week with one of the best welcomes I have had in a long time.

Before I went to grad school... for many years... I was a nanny for two boys in a very special family. A lot happened in those years (good and bad) and we've struggled through together. They have been a great support to me and hopefully I was a support for them. Well, the "boys" are no longer boys... but young men. the younger is in high school and the older just finished his first semester in college. (Man I feel OLD!!!)

When E found out I was in town I was invited to a play. They younger of the two boys, "Bubba", had a part (in a Shakespeare play!)... and I wanted to be there. B, however, was unaware that I was coming. We made it through the first half of the play and then during the intermission Christy and I were chatting about whether B was at the age when speaking to us is "uncool." About that time he turned and glanced in my direction, I made a "classically Christa" face, his face glowed, and ... in a swirl of hair, a huge smile, and a rush... I was wrapped up in a hug that I have missed dearly! I can't even begin to express how my heart felt at that moment. Unconditional love and honestly excited to see me! How often do we receive people's greetings while wondering about ulterior motives or inner thoughts? How awesome to be loved for exactly who you are... no ifs, no ands, no buts...

This is the kid who:

got me hooked on Jackie Chan movies
laughed at my directional deficiencies in video games
humors my inability to play basketball (seriously!!!... I'm under 5ft... come on!)
lets me play his beautiful guitar
shares his Velveeta shells and cheese, cucumbers with ranch dressing, and chicken..
likes to cook with me...
lets me call him nicknames like Bubbaloo...
still loved me after I painted happy birthday on my car windows for the carpool line at school
laughs at my ridiculously stupid jokes
shares my love for the Big Bang Theory (the show)
has an amazing smile
has a contagious laugh
gives the BEST hugs!!!!
I love bunches and bunches....

C was kind enough to take some pictures of me and B.... to think... he used to be shorter than me... and I used to take him to get his head ~~almost~~ shaved! Enjoy!

...my goofy buddy who calls me a "DERD"... I answer to the name proudly :)

(derd= dorky nerd)

Aging...

2009-11-17T19:53:00.000-05:00

On November 7th I became a different woman. I am no longer "twenty-something." I am now twenty-ten, otherwise known as "the big three-o" or "30"!!! Woohoo! My friends and family can attest to the fact that I have been counting down this day for years. I craved a time when I would be thirty. I don't fear a number like so many of my fellow females... Somehow though I pictured my life differently. Here is what it was supposed to look like:

As a child I dreamed:

finishing up medical school and working on specialty certifications (pediatrics/orthopedics)
settling down, getting married (engaged), and planning a family
finding a small comfy house to call my own (a fixer upper that I can live in while I pay off my school loans)
getting an older dog from the pound to love....
spending time with my family / celebrating holidays at my home

As a twenty-something (the last couple of years) I dreamed:

graduate school pre-requisites would be finished
in grad school with a great average, friends, and loving the grind of school
enjoying my friends' babies/kids :)
loving on Lucinda Lou (my cat)
keeping an eye out for the man chosen for me
proud of myself for accomplishing some of my goals
healthy and not constantly dealing with doctors

These are my musings of where I thought I would be on my thirtieth year. In reality I have no job, no school, no apartment, and am struggling with where to go from here. This is my new reality. My old reality was my friend coming to Boston for my birthday to spend a weekend of fun, food, and fellowship. In some ways I think I was gifted something even better.

For my birthday there were many questions of what I wanted to do. In all actuality I didn't know and I didn't want to have to plan anything. It seems that in the last months my life has become a constant run of decision making.... It's not the little decisions that bother me...it's the ones that can determine the next five, ten, twenty years of my life. I just didn't want to plan something. So I cheated. I told my sister my top two choices and she chose the one I wanted. I called the people who had been wanting to do something for my birthday and I ended up with five of my favorite people celebrating with me. It was a night of food, singing, bowling, arcade games, skeeball, air hockey, Ms. Pac-man, etc.... It was great!

It's funny how your birthday makes you think about where you've been and where you want to go. I find that Christmas has the same sentimentality for me. If my plans had worked out as I first dreamed I wouldn't know either of my two closest friends. I wouldn't have Lucy as a constant companion. I wouldn't have spent four months in a brownstone in the South End of Boston (with the best soft serve with mix-ins, ever!). Life would be different, but would it really be better?

I kept dragging my feet because I didn't feel like there was really anything to celebrate. However, I was reminded by a friend "Christa you have a lot to celebrate.... for you it's important to celebrate the fact that you have continued to live for 30 years." (paraphrase) Let me elaborate: I am accident prone, health challenged, and not lucky when dealing with cars. There have been a few wrecks I should not have walked away from in one piece and one that I said goodbye to my family in my head because I didn't think I would be on this earth 2 seconds later. My Grandmama Pearl once said I was like a cat with nine lives. Her favorite quote for me has been on a wall in EVERY apartment in which I've lived.....

"Christa, God must really have something really special planned for you. There have been multiple times when you could have been taken from us but you are meant for something amazing. Focus on our Father, your purpose, and the compassion you have for others.... The rest will work itself out...."

There are days when it's easy to believe and others that are a struggle but I was never promised an easy life. I learn something important with each struggle. I'm just trying to hang on and ride the waves without drowning :)

How did you imagine your life would be? Is it different than the reality you live each day? How many gifts have you received because of the change?

2009-10-23T15:26:00.002-04:00

"A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities."

-William Arthur Ward

Quotes

2009-10-20T01:39:00.003-04:00

I changed the quotes in the column on the right. The plan is for these to change much more frequently... The topics will also change....

If you are looking for any in particular.... just let me know!

Not me...

2009-10-20T01:20:00.001-04:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

My first attempt:

I certainly did not spend yesterday in my pajamas hanging out with my mama. And we certainly did not spend the day watching Hallmark movies as we predicted the endings. And if we were to spend our day in that manner we certainly would not have eaten breakfast at 11:00am. Nope.... not us...

I definitley did not leave a case of diet coke in the trunk lastnight during freezing temperatures.... and if I were to do that I certainly didn't wait until this afternoon to retrieve said boxes. I definitely did not reheat chili and make grilled cheese sandwiches because I forgot to remove meat from the freezer. And if that was the case I certainly would not have forgotten to do that same thing for three days in a row.

Today I did not watch One Life to Live and General Hospital to catch up on the last two weeks I miss. And if that were actually the case I certainly would not have been sitting there in my flannel pj bottoms and a bright green Limonada t-shirt.

Now I am certainly NOT going to crawl into bed and sleep with a half ot the bed covered in books, camera, and misc items.... Nope, Not Me!

Babbling and Nonsense

2009-10-19T00:32:00.003-04:00

Have you ever noticed something on yourself in a different way than before? I know, it sounds ridiculous but today I noticed my feet. Yes, I have noticed my feet before. But today as I looked down at my feet I thought "I like my feet.... I have cute feet." For those who have seen them lately you will contradict me I'm sure. Sure I need a pedicure and some tender loving care. In the last ~~month~~ or two or four.... they have been neglected. Other things in my life have taken priority and I have taken my feet for granted. Well today I thought about it... really thought about it. Can you tell I have too much time on my hands?

Here are my observations:

My feet are not typical in appearance.
My feet would be the correct size for a ~~twelve~~ ten year old.
My big toe has calluses from my need to walk barefooted....

while we're at it.... so does the ball of my foot, especially just below my little toe.

My little toe looks like a little hill, I don't know how to describe it. (But it looks nearly identical to my mom's little toe and my sister's little toe.... I love that!) It has the tiniest little nail on it and has a callus from my inability to find shoes that fit.
On my left foot my toe next to my little toe is longer than the other ones (not including my big toe)
I can see and identify the tendons on the top of my foot and enjoy palpating the veins on the top of my foot (I know, I'm a dork).
The kicker.... On each of my feet, on the outer part, beside the pinkie toe is a scar. The scars are from the removal of extra toes....

I know... you're thinking.... WHAT?
Yup! I was born with twelve toes (and twelve fingers). My paternal grandfather was born with the same and since it skips a generation maybe one of my grandchildren will have them.

By now you're wondering why I'm telling you all of this...

It's so easy for us to look at ourselves and find flaws. I do it everyday. If only I was about twenty pounds lighter. I wish my hair was curly. If only I were taller (then I would appear smaller). I need a haircut... I look like a wierd boy.

It's easy. I bet you could name ten things you would like to change about yourself. Can you name five things you love about yourself? It wasn't as easy to name the things you love, was it?

I love:

My Eyes

the color and texture

same as my dad and most of my dad's side of the family

My Eyelashes

long, dark, and go from corner to corner (literally)

My Little Toes

the same as my mom and sister

My Extra Digits (scars)

a trait not everyone has...and maybe an odd but fun one I can pass on...

My Freckles

I wasn't so fond of them when I was younger but now it's not something I would ever change.

I hope one day that I can honestly say that I love everything about myself. That does NOT mean that it will be perfect! It just means that I will accept it as a part of me....a gift from my Maker....

A Few Beach Reflections

2009-10-16T01:51:00.003-04:00

I spent the last week and a half at the beach. Topsail Island.... I'm extremely lucky in that some of my extended family own a small house on the sound side of the island, right on the water. It's a great little place full of lots of memories from my childhood.

At this house: I learned how to bait a hook, I learned how to fish and remove the fish I caught from the hook, I learned how to put out the crab trap and kill the crabs we caught. We crammed most of the family in and people were on every bed, couch, and air mattress. The house was full of joking, talking, laughter, the smell of food, the sound of fish frying and crab slurping.... Many games have been played at this house... Scrabble, Uno, Yahtzee.....

There are many fond memories from my childhood there but in recent years this house has become a haven. Somewhere I can run away to to spend time in the Word and the nature the He created. It's a time of reflection...a time to calm the storms... a time to enjoy the simpler things of life... It's a time for laughter, movies, games, and sleep.... It was a retreat after surgeries..... and a place to hide and heal wounds..... And so... this is why I went this trip...

God had other plans.... The spots were running... Mama and I were excited to fish... family came to visit and fish.... and then we had "the incident". Mama fell down the stairs and broke her arm... The rest is history.... and interesting :)

In some ways it's nice to be back... but a part of me still yearns for the quiet, the meditation, the hours on the beach, the solitude, and the reassurance that I will be taken care of... no matter the path.....I love this tree. There are two trees at the back of the house. You can see them through the sliding glass door....the stand on each side of the pier that extends from the back of the house....

Each tree is twisted....and interesting. To me the trees seem to say.... I'm tired... I'm changed... but I'm still here... I'm still standing...

There is no telling how many hurricanes these trees have survived. I know there have been many that pretty much destroyed the house....(just in the part of my lifetime I can remember)....

The trees are a calm reassurance to me.... It's as if they say... "You're tired... You're changed....but you're still here... You're still standing...."

Psalm 94:19

I Don't Know What to Say....

2009-09-18T22:30:00.005-04:00

....the words just don't come out right.

Some days I dream of school. Some mornings I wake up with the frantic feeling of having overslept. This leads to worry of missing class. And then I realize....

I'm not in school... I don't have class.... my friends are learning joint mobilization, massage, and treatment. I'm trying to motivate myself to pack up an apartment that I love and leave the city I love.

Do you sense any excitement? I don't feel any. To be honest.... I'm pretty numb. I'm trying to make it through the next week and a half and then I'll deal with it. I don't think it'll be pretty and so I'm running away to the beach... going to hide.... going to regroup... and going to heal....

My dream would be the ability to sell my photography to pay my bills and enjoy friends and family. Odd jobs are going to be my friend..... We'll see what God provides. I was hoping for mission work but it is looking like my bills won't allow for that option.....

Enjoy each day as it comes for you never know what the next will hold....

Psalm 94:19

A Reminder I Needed....

2009-09-03T14:08:00.006-04:00

It's been an incredibly rough couple of days.... and I'm coming home. I'll live somewhere else for 9 months and decide whether I come back in June or not..... It's heartbreaking. It's embarrassing. It disappointing. It's not easily understood. It's not easily expressed. I know I did what I was supposed to do. I know this is not my fault. But the "what ifs" are overwhelming.....

And so... I find myself excited about a visiting friend for the long weekend, cleaning a horribly looking apartment, unpacking a suitcase of clothes bought for school, and wondering where this road will lead, how many tears must fall, and if I have the strength and courage to continue on this journey once again.....

I received this excerpt from a book in an email and it hit home with me.... A great reminder. Maybe someone else can use the same one.

Some of you may be wondering about your personal calling in life. Being married or not being married can indeed be a calling. So can having children or having no children, working outside the home or being a full-time mom, traveling on a job or staying in an office, working out of your home or being president of something, sewing drapes, cooking at the school cafeteria, finding a cure for cancer, or creating a better meat thermometer. Dare I say, your calling in life lies not in what you do but in who you are?

Remember this. Scripture says God created us for the express purpose of giving himself the joy of love us. In being loved, we return that love. That is who we are: persons loved by God. When we return his love, we do it in a spirit of response that produces service to him. That is what our relationship with him is all about. If we do things for God because we are trying to pay him back, we miss the point of the relationship. We are not asked to earn the relationship, we are asked to receive the relationship.

So what is the call for each of our lives? To receive God's love and return God's love. We can experience that in everything we do.

(Except from Love Me, Never Leave Me by Marilyn Meberg)

Sweet Love

2009-08-10T23:55:00.004-04:00

This picture is an older couple on the train the night I was so sick. The lady kept asking me if I was okay and the man kept telling me "it's gonna be okay..." They sat on the train holding hands the entire time and laughed and joked together. It was a great example of the type of marriage I dream of having one day.... It's the way I picture my parents being years from now. Okay, many years from now. This couple was celebrating their 55 year of marriage ;) How awesome is that in a world in which so many couples are divorced. What an amazing gift to give our children.

On another topic. I'm not kicked out of graduate school :) I will be studying, cleaning, studying, packing, and studying over the next couple of days. The plan is to take the two finals I missed this past Thursday this coming Thursday morning and afternoon. I will then be flying home that night :) I'm so excited to get a break. I will , however, have to take an exam when I return. No worries.... I have great friends and family who have already invested in airfare for the fall. They'll help me study :)

On that note... I'm heading to bed. I'm tired of beating my head against the wall...

I spent time this morning having a conversation with my Father about how much I want to be here for school in the fall. What I was willing to do, why it was important, and the ways that I thought it would all work out... the options I had in mind. (I know.. you're thinking... well that was stupid ;) ) I then turned my quote calendar over for the day and this was the quote:

"This day I will try to instruct God less
and listen to Him more."

Point made :) G'Night

An Interesting Couple of Days...

2009-08-07T11:55:00.007-04:00

I'm not really sure where to start. I just figured it would be easier to update here with details then to tell the same story a million times to people who care....

Let's begin with where I had planned to be right now and what I had planned to be doing. I should be cleaning, relaxing, baking, and enjoying myself at my apartment and wandering around my neighborhood. I should be finished with all of my semester classes except for my retake that's necessary. At around three today I should begin studying for the retake which is supposed to be on Thursday. Thursday afternoon I should be taking the retake (my last test) and then flying home on Thursday night for two weeks. That's what's supposed to be happening... Now.... let me tell you where I am.

Wednesday morning I was studying in the morning, running late to meet a friend at school, and in a hurry. In the process I got smacked in the head with a door (long story). I didn't think it was that big a deal. So I continued with my day. I went to school, met with my friend, took my Professional Socialization skill check, aced it, grabbed lunch, and began to study. As the day progressed I felt worse and worse. Pretty soon the nausea became vomiting and the minor headache from that morning progressed to migraine sort of headache and then became much much worse. I left the school (studying on the 4th floor) at around 9pm and headed home. The closer I got to home the sicker I was becoming. After a not so pleasant stop at the trashcan outside of the T station I called my mom... (part of my reason, I'm pathetic, was that if I passed out on the street she would know where to send an ambulance) As I got to my house I was unsure about making it up the stairs... felt like I was going to pass out. I told Mama I would call her when I got upstairs. At this point my head felt like it was going to explode (much different feeling than my typical migraines). I made it up the first flight and half of stairs (I live in a third floor walk up) and then woke up at the bottom of the half flight up against the wall. Apparently I passed out at the top and fell down to the bottom and landed against the wall. I laid there for a while, then thought "Ok.. I can do this... I can do this... I CAN do this...." So, I started going up the next full flight. I made it up about halfway and then awoke at the bottom of that flight. I sat there for a while and then crawled up the that flight and the next flight on my hands and knees. (I'm sure that was a cute site) I finally made it up to my apartment and called my mom. I proceed to tell her "something is wrong." With the help of my mom signed into my facebook account and a friend from school we discovered that there were no urgent care facilities near my house that were still open (1am) and that the best place to go was Boston Medical Center. An hour wait and a cab ride later.... I was at the hospital. After a vital check and questions asked I was rushed back to the acute care side of the ER. Shortly after was a gown, an IV, two residents, and a CT scan. The CT scan came back showing no bleeds but they still wouldn't let me go home.

During the process I saw many residents (trauma, surgical, neuro, emergency...) doctors, and a very nervous med student. Word got around that I had two gross anatomy finals the next day that I needed to be studying. At the very least I needed to be out in time to take them. After a few... "Hmmmmm"s and "...maybe's...." I had a resident (good looking...about my age... that made it worse) get in my face and this was what he said....

"Look Christa, get over it.... you're NOT going to make it to the exams... You're NOT going to be able to take them and do well... You are obviously CONCUSSED... there is something else going on... and your pupils are the size of a large pencil eraser... I will personally write you a note... Your professors will understand... well hopefully understand... (that was really reassuring!).... now lay back... close your eyes... and I will get pain meds to you REALLY soon." He was the only person I saw on a regular basis through my ER stay. He was the one kind enough to turn the light off over my head (every time someone else turned it on) and closed the curtain. After a while he was the one who taped a sign on my curtain with huge letters.... "CONCUSSION, MIGRAINE... NO LIGHTS... LESS NOISE!!!!!" Okay.. wow! At least he got me pain meds for the headache that wouldn't go away.

The CT results came back... no bleed. The bp started to go down... I was tired of being there. By the way... the doc (resident) apologized for getting frustrated with me and sat and chatted for a while before he left after his shift ended.

I then found out that I was being admitted. Woohoo! What that meant was I was transferred upstairs, asked a million questions, taught how to use a remote control, and ignored. I find it funny that they were keeping me for observation but no one really observed me ;)

I talked to my professor and let her know I wouldn't be there for the finals. That was something I was really worried about but it went well. Then in came another resident... woohoo!... He informed me I wouldn't be going home until Friday to which my response was "Seriously?" However I think my sad eyes did me good. After four hours he came back to let me know he had pulled strings and I was going home. YIPPEEEE! I, of course, looked at the clock to see if I could make it to my gross anatomy practical exam. No such luck.

My paperwork was completed, I walked the halls (to prove I wouldn't pass out), my IV was removed, I bled all over the floor (the needle they used was HUGE!), signed my forms, and called a cab... I was FREE!!!!!

I got home, called Mama, sent some texts, turned off my phone ringer, turned off alarms, and went to bed. Asleep within minutes and woke up nine hours later...

All of my classmates went out and partied lastnight. They are finished for the semester. Most of them are boarding flights today and tomorrow to head home. I meet with my prof on Monday to see where we go from here... Life is never boring but it's not always fun :) The best plans are made to be ruined?

I'm home. I'm fine. This afternoon will consist of cleaning and studying. My brain feels like it got juggled and I feel like I'm starting from scratch. Supposedly that will change in the next couple of days. Life goes on... The sky is a beautiful blue with puffy white clouds, the flowers are blooming, like very other day there is nothing on TV... Like I said... Life goes on :)

I hope this day finds you doing something you enjoy or looking forward to a weekend full of fun :)

Today's Ride...

2009-08-04T17:59:00.010-04:00

(posted Friday 7 Aug 2009)

No change here... things remain to same. In the middle of a week of finals. I feel good about the one I took today and okay about the one tomorrow. The key is I am studying really hard for the Gross Anatomy exams on Thursday. I'm trying to remain positive and doing all that I can possibly do.... So with that said... I'll share my conversation with a really energetic, life loving, positive, encouraging, tiny old man I met on the train today.... then it's back to the muscles I will know before I go to bed tonight :)

I was on the orange line heading home from school. I scored a bench seat in the T station, which is unusual for me, and so I was making flashcards as I waited on the train. A really cute old man came and sat on the opposite end of the bench and I was aware that I was being observed.

As the train pulled up I was inwardly hoping the man would go left when I went right. No luck. I found a seat and the man chose a seat one down from me (a seat in between us). I proceeded to use the seat in between as storage and continued my work.... not for long....
The conversation is as follows:

man: Hmmmm....
christa: [silence]
man: Hmmmmmmmmm..... mmmm....
christa: Hmm? (a little annoyed)
man: flexor forearm muscles..... interesting...
christa: (now very interested) Yes sir..
man: Must be a grad student.
christa: Yes sir?
man: A hard topic and an undergraduate wouldn't be writing notecards on the train.
christa: Oh.
man: Besides........ you look absolutely exhausted.
christa: (tired smile) Thanks.
man: A medical field of some sort..(I began to tell him).. No... don't tell me. It's pediatrics.
christa: My height? (a little annoyed again)
man: No. Why would you assume that? I watched you light up when you watched the kids in the station and their smiles were instantaneous. If you aren't doing peds you need to change your path.
christa: Oh I'm certainly peds. I can't imagine doing anything else.
man: I can't decide.... [me: Hmm?].... it's either a pediatrician or physiatrist or a physical therapist.
christa: [you could have picked my chin up off the floor. He named what I always said I would do and then named what I'm doing now.] Ummm... I was going to be a pediatric physiatrist.... now I'm in school for physical therapy.
man: [HUGE smile!] I knew it...
(after more words I found out that he, for many years, was a pediatric doc who specialized in medically complex children with neuro and ortho issues. Guess what I want to do!!!)
man: How's gross treating you?
christa: mmmmmm... not doing so well.
man: the topic or the memorization?
christa: the memorization. We're doing a semester gross class in eight weeks.
man: Well isn't that just rediculous! You are working with human cadavers, right? Where are you in school?
christa: MGH Institute (charlestown)...
man: DPT, right? So you're gross class is at Harvard Med?
christa: Yes sir.
man: Great program. Stick with it. Chin up... keep trucking and imagine the faces of all of the beautiful children you will help. It's one step in a long path to a dream God placed in your heart for a reason... Chin up... and because you can probably use it... listen to me. Look at me... Are you listening? "You can do this." I don't think you heard me Christa "You can do this" [keep in mind he was getting louder and louder each time he said it.]
(As we approached my stop....)
man: Christa? You CAN do this. Go study.... take a nap... study some more and remember there are people cheering you on.
christa: Thank you. (I was getting ready to step off the train)
man: Christa? (I turned to look at him) I'll be praying for you... from here on out... God Bless.
[ a huge smile of relief from me and I was out the door and on my way home]

Just a reminder that God always knows what you need. I am far from family and friends but a little man I had never met took a moment to share with me and through him I was blessed. My only regret of this train ride is... I didn't get his name. (or picture :) )

I hope God is blessing you this week in little unexpected ways. Smile at people as you walk down the street, pass them in the hall. Look them in the eyes, for some people it may be the only smile or gift of warmth they get all day.

A lot has happened since I wrote this post. I'm working on a new one with an explanation. It will be posted later today... for now... it is 5:19 am and I am heading to bed :)

Restless...

2009-08-02T22:13:00.001-04:00

"For when anxiety was great within me... Your consolation brought JOY to my soul."
-Psalm 94:19

There is a restlessness deep inside me this week that I can't seem to shake. This verse keeps running through my mind. I know it is His doing; not my own.

This is one of my life verses... I love that it says it brings Joy from anxiety. It doesn't just say that He removes the anxiety... He doesn't just remove it... He replaces it with an amazing emotion... an overwhelmingly good emotion... JOY!!!

I hope this day finds you filled with JOY!

A Topsail View..

2009-08-02T14:00:00.004-04:00

I need a break from staring at notes, clinical oriented anatomy, Netters, and my whiteboard... I spent hours in the cadaver lab this morning at Harvard and now it's back to the books...

I had hoped to be able to go to Topsail this year but it's not going to happen. My next real break will be in three years... Guess my photos will have to hold me over ;) Enjoy.......
(these pictures were taken last year or the year before......)

A study break....

2009-08-01T20:06:00.011-04:00

"An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't. "

-Anatole France
French novelist (1844 - 1924)

My week and weekend have been very little other than study and yet I feel as if I know nothing. I found this quote this afternoon as I was trying to stay awake to continue learning about the flexor/extensor muscles in the forearm and the pathways of the arteries, veins, and nerves. I wholeheartedly admit that it is overwhelming. And the idea of going home in two weeks without being able to join my fellow classmates in September is terrifying.

Because you see, for the first time I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. That is not to say that it is easy. I'm here to tell you it is NOT easy! I spend 90% of my time studying and still feel like I don't get it. I reach times when it is as if my brain is crying out to me... "STOPPPPP!! I can't take anymore!!!!!"

In conversation with a friend I was trying to explain that "No, you are not the only one I haven't talked to since I've been here." "Yes I care about you." "Yes your friendship is important to me." And then came the sentence of all sentences... "I don't understand why you act like you are so busy. You're only taking TWO classes. It's not like you are taking a full semester load." Ladies and Gentlemen.... I am here to tell you... Yes I am taking two classes.... Yes I am busy.... Yes I am stressed.... Yes my hair is falling out by the handfuls.... Yes I often forget to eat because I'm deep in the books.... Yes a week sometimes passes without me realizing it.... Yes I am engrossed in my studies.... Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!

But here's what you may not realize. My gross anatomy class is actually two classes consisting of a lab and a lecture. It takes place at two different schools on the opposite sides of Boston. The two schools are MGH Institute of Health Professions (Charlestown) and Harvard Medical School (Longwood Medical Area). I am at school six or seven days a week! When I'm not in class it is NOT uncommon to find me in a small room at Harvard studying with a skeleton or in the cadaver lab learning what SHIRLEY can teach me. My gross anatomy class is the same class that our professors took as a sixteen week (entire semester) class. We are learning the same things in eight weeks. Brutal doesn't begin to describe it. The other class is Professional Socialization. Learning skills...getting everyone up to the same level. The class isn't hard but it can be tricky to plan time with a partner to practice techniques for the skills checks.

When I do go home it's usually well after seven and I walk from the T station, through the neighborhood, up three flights of stairs, remove my shoes, grab a diet coke or water (depending on what kind of day it's been) and pull out the books. Sometimes I take a quick power nap and then study. Either way I usually study until around 12:30 or 1:00 then it's off to bed.... and the next day it all repeats itself :)

All of this to say.... I am sorry.... I wish I was more organized... I wish I had previous knowledge that made learning gross anatomy easier... I wish I wasn't stretched to the max... I wish I could add hours to the day.... I wish I had time to call everyone... I wish I was within a walkable distance for coffee with each of you. But I'm not. I'm doing the best I can and praying that my journey in Boston doesn't end in two weeks.... Please pray with me. Not that I will call you....but that I survive... not just physically or educationally... but mentally and emotionally....

The upcoming two weeks are packed.

Tonight and tomorrow is study time.
Tomorrow morning I'll be in the lab at Harvard for hours... then the rest of the day will find me reading notes, writing notes, using the whiteboard, drawing pictures, studying my bone box, and lots of prayer.
Monday: is a review session w/ my professor (lots of assignments to do before then) and then a practice gross anatomy practical. Then you guessed it.... studying :)
Tuesday: Professional Socialization final (written)--Gotta study for that at some point :) and then skills practice with partner for skill check.
Wednesday: Professional Socialization ("P. Soc") Skill check... pass or fail! on ambulation, guarding, gait training, assistive device education, stair gait education, and possibly falls... FUN!
Thursday: Gross Anatomy Final (written exam)(noon) and then Gross Anatomy Practical (cadaver lab test) (right after written exam)
Friday: half a day to breathe.... and then it's back to the books until the following Wednesday.
Next Thursday morning: I have to retake an exam I didn't make and A or B on.. and then Thursday evening I climb on a plane (with Lucy---huge prayer request) headed home for 2 weeks!!!
Somewhere in this schedule comes packing, cleaning, eating, sleeping, bathing, bill paying, and excitement.... Somewhere ;)
So when you think of me say a prayer. Not just for me.... but for all of the students who are going through finals and all of the students who are beginning a new semester. We are all striving toward a goal.... the dream of a heart... the purpose of our soul... and the part of us that gets up every morning to take another step in the right direction.....

Now.... back to the books :)

(the picture was taken today on my walk home from the T station after being in the cadaver lab..... It was a nice thirty minutes of Vitamin D and sweat ;) )

Clouded...Muddy...Jumbled...Frazzled...

2009-07-29T18:25:00.004-04:00

The words in the title describe how my brain feels. The vocabulary for my two classes is immense, the skills are mildly complicated, and the stress is great. All of this comes together to make my head...my mind... a mind that is filled with words... words that aren't even English...

For example.. fimbraie, fornix, fundus, cauda equina, spinal stenosis, psoas, hypertrophic, articular processes, iliocostalis lumborum, nuchal, spinalis, longissimus, multifidis, levator costae, sternocleidomastoid... Is that enough? No? How about some of the foot and arm muscles....subscapularis, supraspinatus, coracobrachialis...not to be confused with the brachialis... or the brachial artery.. not to be confused with brachial veins... or....

How about long names... like "posterior circumflex humeral artery" or "medial brachialantebrachial cutaneous nerves"? You know in the arm you have triceps and biceps. Did you know the proper name for the biceps is biceps brachii and that there are two heads? a short head and a long head. Did you know there is a little muscle in the arm called "anconeus?" It's a small muscle (relatively speaking) that connects at your elbow and travels down your arm about a third of the way to attach to your ulna (the little bone on the pinky side of your lower arm). It's an important muscle because it assists the triceps in extending the forearm, stabilizes the elbow joint, and helps with the ulna during rotation of the hand. This is all from one half a page of my notes..... That doesn't begin to cover it.

All of this to say. When it takes me a minute to comprehend what you say, or put words together to make a sentence... have a little patience. My brain is mush and I still have two weeks to go :)

Don't get me wrong. I love the field. I love what I'm learning. I LOVE working with the cadaver and my fellow lab partners... However... during my two week vacation it will be nice to not have my day revolve around coracoid processes, tuberosities, and supraglenoid tubercles. :)

I know the picture is a little disorienting but it seemed to describe the way my brain feels....

Much love and compassion.... from Boston.

Refreshment in a Time of Drought...

2009-07-19T10:10:00.005-04:00

Since I've been here (and right before I moved) things have been so hectic that it has been very easy to push my time in the Word aside. I know the benefits...I know how it makes me feel. It was just a decision to do other things and push it aside. There were times when I would think of it...crave it. But there just weren't enough hours in the day. Then the worry and anxiety began creeping in....and gained some ground. What a horrible feeling. Panic is not a stage in which I want to spend my day. So yesterday I pulled out my Bible and started digging. I looked up words like: worry, help, hope, and peace. I came across some very helpful and meaningful verses. Some that I've marked many times before and others that were a first in my digging studies ;) I'll post a longer entry about them later.... after my gross anatomy exam. But I wanted to share a quote I found this morning digging through Strong's Concordance (thank you Ele) and Matthew Henry's Commentary.

I was looking up Psalm 37:37
"There is a future for the man of peace."

In perusing Matthew Henry I found this from his section on Psalm 37:34-40. ( I changed the them and they to me....)

He is my strength in times of trouble...
He shall keep me AND deliver me...
He will help me to do my duties,
bear my burdens,
and to maintain my spiritual conflicts,
bear my troubles well and get good by them.
In due time (His time),He will deliver me out of my troubles.

He will save me,
not only keep me safe, but make me happy,
because I trust in Him,
not because I have merited it from him,
but because I have committed myself to Him
and reposed a confidence in him,
and have thereby honored Him.

Consider this in your comings and goings of this week. Who gave you the sunshine you are enjoying? Who gifts you every day of your life? Who is walking beside you to protect you and comfort you when you are lost? Who loves you more than we can humanly imagine? Who create each intricate part of your body to work in perfect harmony? Who prepares you for things in the future, good and bad? Who would lay down their life for you and gave his son for you? Abba.

Shirley

2009-07-18T03:39:00.005-04:00

To the amazing woman who gave up your body so that I may learn... And to the family who supported her decision....

I know not what your name was in life but in death I have named you Shirley.
How amazing it is that you gave your body so that I may learn. You have become my greatest teacher.

Because of you.....

I know:
what a heart feels like.
what a heart looks like.
the layers of muscles.
the incredible amount of organs in one tiny belly.
what a spinal cord looks like (WOW).
the fascia surrounding the kidneys.
the layers of the foot (or will by the end of today).
what the sciatic nerve looks like (huge).
and the damage done to your lungs by the disease.
I can imagine:
what struggling to breathe must have felt like.
the emotional strain of the hysterectomy.
and your family.
I am amazed by:
your generosity.
your kindness.
and your consideration for me.
and so I name you Shirley....
Surely you were lovely.
Surely you were thoughtful.
Surely you were compassionate.
Surely you were cared for.
Surely you were loved.Surely I will learn with your help.
Surely I will pass this class.
Surely I will help people.
Surely I will appreciate your sacrifice.
Surely I will one day make the same sacrifice.
Surely (Shirley) you are loved!
*To anyone who reads this:
Please consider donating your body for medical students. It is truly one of the greatest gifts we will ever receive. I can't begin to describe to you how amazing it is to see what you are learning... not only through pictures and diagrams but in its truest form. To read about the spinal cord is one thing.... to see the human spinal cord is an entirely different thing. There is not a day I spend in the lab that I am not amazed by something. The thoughtfulness shown by these individuals and their families is something that we as medical students do not take lightly. Shirley's sacrifice will be with me for the rest of my life. She is my greatest teacher....and is in turn a great helper to my future patients. There is currently a shortage of donors and medical schools are having to place 15-30 students per body.... To do/dissect is to learn like no other opportunity offers. Please consider this when planning for how you want to be remembered. Being an organ donor is great and saves lives. But don't write off the idea of total donation to a medical school.... They are both great options. By teaching doctors you are saving the lives of the people they treat.

At Night...

2009-07-12T01:48:00.003-04:00

...is when my mind catches up with me. All of the things I push aside during the day come in like a flood in the evening. How does that work?

It's the time when I want to call people but every one's asleep. I want to read a book but the textbooks seem to be calling my name. I wish there was someone to come home to. Someone to share my hopes and dreams with. Someone to share my disappointments with. Wow! That sounds so incredibly cheesy :) It's not that I am unhappy to be single or dream of being married all the time. It's not like that. It's just the random moments when the longing of my heart is stronger than the reality of life.

I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. In the program I'm supposed to be in. Spending my days with the group of people I'm supposed to have as colleagues. Living in the city of my dreams. Studying human bones and living in a cadaver lab..... I know that for once in my life I am in the place and position that God intended. I'm not sitting on the line. I'm here and I'm working hard to stay here.

I talked to a great friend for a long time today and was trying to explain how it feels to be here. Most days my day goes by and I wonder where it went and how it passed so fast. Some days I want so badly to be able to drive down the street and visit a friend for food and game night or drive and hour and be at my parent's house to cook a meal, chat, and laugh... Other days I don't miss it. It's not because I don't truly miss them. It's because there is some surreal phenomenon that occurs where my brain thinks they are still nearby. It doesn't comprehend that I can't meet Christy for coffee and errands after work. I can't text Traci to meet at Barnes and Noble. I don't have Thursday movie and game night with Laurie to look forward to each week. I can't pop in at Cheryl's house for a good meal, craft/sewing talk, and laughter. I can't crash on the couch at Mama and Daddy's house and cook food and watch all the good girlie flicks like.... Miss Congeniality, Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Sweet Home Alabama... I can't go to the Watson's house and hang out with Bubbaloo. There's no shooting pool, crashing on the couch, getting lost in video games (literally lost :) ), watching Jackie Chan movies, and Big Bang Theory marathons. Today was a day when I craved my old life. I miss the love, the camaraderie, the comfort, and the laughter.... It's strange... a strange reality.

A storm has begun and the lightning outside my third floor window is amazing.... I'm heading to bed to enjoy the sound of the rain and thunder.... G'Night All!!!

The Last Bunch of Days...

2009-07-11T02:39:00.006-04:00

...have been a bit crazy. (I'm beginning to see a theme)

Amy came to visit last week/weekend. We had a lot of fun and she was instrumental in helping me study for my exams on Tuesday. The jokes and dinosaur names really helped me remember some of the little details needed. Monday I had to say goodbye to her at the airport... That was incredibly hard and tears were present. I think I often don't notice how alone I am here until my friends and family leave. It seems to highlight the hardest aspect of this process.

On Wednesday we had a white coat ceremony and I gained a white coat (with pin) for my wardrobe. It's a bit surreal. At the moment when I wear it it looks like I'm playing dress up in my Daddy's whitecoat. It will be heading to a tailor on Monday or Tuesday :)

On Thursday we received our exam grades and I was terrified!!!! I am pleased to announce that I passed both with more than just a few points :) Goals for myself now include being more confident and not second guessing myself. Multiple questions on the written test were wrong because I changed them from the right answers. Frustrating....

I don't feel very eloquent at the moment. The fact that it is almost three a.m. might have something to do with it. Today I did a clinical rotation at Spaulding Rehab Hospital in the cardiac/pulm floor. It was a good experience and it cemented some of my future job details. I really feel a calling to work in inpatient acute care. I enjoy the collaboration required between the therapists, nurses, doctors, etc... The pace is less laid back and more my style. Things are always changing and new patients are always being admitted. However today also solidified the fact that I do NOT want to work in cardiac/pulm every day. I can't do it. I want pediatrics. I want to work with children and their families. Children with CP, CF, Downs, brain tumors, cancer, etc.... I want to be a sense of calm in their storm and help them regain possible function. It's where my heart is...it's my love... It's the niche where I fit....

A couple of interesting stories from today:

An elderly gentlemen had an old tatoo of a woman (sort of pinup style). As we were talking I asked about the tattoo and once I assured him that discussing it would NOT get him out of therapy.... he told me a story. He received the tattoo around 1945. Things were obviously different then. He tried to go to a pool to swim and was turned away because the woman on his arm was without clothing. Keep in mind that the only private area of the woman showing was a tiny amount of the upper region of her backside. He proceeded to get a bathingsuit tattoo'd on his tattoo so that he could go to the pool. My how things have changed. He then showed me a small one on his arm... a heart with Mom in the middle. With a humble smile he proceeded to tell me that he thought that getting "Mom" in the middle would butter her up to the fact that he had a tattoo. He then added the fact that he was 14 when he obtained it and apparently it was from a really bad part of time lined with strip shows. I asked if it worked (the buttering up)... With an adorable laugh and a lot of chagrain he said..."umm... no :)" This same man told me that I would be a great therapist because I wouldn't let him stop doing his work or distract me. I take it as a compliment.

A conversation from today with a female patient around 65yo:

Pt: "You want to be a student?"
Me: "I am a student."
Pt: "What for?"
Me: "to be a physical therapist."
Pt: "What? Why?"
Me: "It's a profession that has helped me and one that I love."
Pt: "Hmmph"
Pt: "Well, I'm sure you'll be a good one...anyone can do that job."
Pt: "It's so easy you'll catch on with no problem."
Pt: "They don't do anything. Anybody can do that job!"

Another one:

Pt: "You're a student?"
Me: "Yes Sir"
Pt: "Are you learning anything?"
Me: (smile) "Yes Sir"
Pt: "Where are you in school?"
Me: "MGH Institute"
Pt: "Charlestown? like the one affiliated with Mass General Hospital?"
Me: "Yes Sir"
Pt: "Doctorate program?"
Me: "Yes Sir"
Pt: "Hmm... you're smart?"
Me: "Mmmm... I work hard."
Pt: "Hun, that wasn't a question. It was a statement. "
Pt: "Own it... you'll do great."
Pt: "How you liking Boston? You're obviously not from here?"
Me: "Why would you say that?"
Pt: "Honey I know a carolina accent when I hear one!"
Pt: "It's the state of great golf and great food."
Pt: (to the PT) "You been there? You should go! Beautiful state!"
[He was my kind of man ;) ]

Life is good. It's just different. I'm up most mornings before 6:30am. I'm then off to class and then to more class. When I'm not in class I'm in the cadaver lab at Harvard Med School. I study and then all of a sudden I realize it's 11pm and I need to be climbing into bed but still have a couple of hours of work left to be done. For those I haven't talked to... I can tell you that I've been thinking of you. I'm trying to get my feet under me and used to the schedule. I can tell my body is still adjusting to the changes that took place with the surgery. I'm more easily exhausted and it seems to hit suddenly. Fine one minute and the next minute I can barely hold my eyes open.

I'm heading to bed now... It's 3:30am and the migraine is getting worse instead of better. Tomorrow is a day of studying with hopes of getting behind my camera for some flower pics. I miss holding it in my hands and viewing the details God made by hand. I hope this finds you beginning an amazing weekend!

Hi!

2009-07-08T03:55:00.003-04:00

I'm not lost => Life is just hectic.

Amy, my sister, was here Thursday through yesterday and I had my first two gross anatomy exams today. So it's been lots of sight seeing, studying, and stressing ;) I have lots to share and had planned to do it tonight... But seeing as how it is now 4am...(I fell asleep on the couch) I'm heading to bed. A long day tomorrow... professional socialization lab (vital signs) and then the White Coat Ceremony.

But enjoy the pics.... Amy and I were watching the fireworks from the banks of the Charles River while you were watching on TV. It was AWESOME!!!! More pics are posted to flickr...and more will come....

What in your Black Box?

2009-06-29T21:34:00.003-04:00

I always wonder about people on the subway. Where are they coming from? Where are they heading? What are they carrying? Is there a hubby/spouse at home waiting on them? Will kids greet them as they walk in the front door of their house, condo, flat, apartment? I wonder what book she is reading...It must be good/interesting... She smiled. How many years has that elderly couple been married?

As I left Harvard Med School the other day the security guard asked me if I had a ventriloquist dummy in my box... and as I tried to come up with an answer... her response became, "Ohhhh.... it's not a skeleton, is it?" The sadness on her face was a bit heartbreaking and made me rethink my own feelings/thoughts about the bones. She sees it as sad; thinking of the person(s) who lost their life. I think what a great sacrifice this person made in order for me to learn - and so that I can become a compassionate advocate for each of my patients. As I rode the subways and walked the streets to my apartment carrying my big black box I hoped no one would ask questions. For once I hoped no one would care.

But you can always count on kids. I was asked by multiple children of varying ages "What's in your box?" Each time I responded "school supplies." I just figured it would be easier for everyone involved. The box is large, heavy, and awkward to carry all of the blocks to my house but it was fun to listen to the guesses of people passing by. Apparently it is a trumpet, saxophone, oboe (a huge one :)), tuba, french horn (not hardly)....

How often do we assume we know what things are like on the inside by the outside? In our cadaver lab we all started off with whole bodies...no idea of what was hiding underneath. Inside we discovered some had lungs that were in really bad shape, another had an adrenal gland the size of a kidney, and one of the group's body had an abdomen filled with tumors. The insides to people aren't always in poor shape but they can be bruised and battered. If we judge people by what they wear, how thin they are, or the accent with which they speak what are we telling them about ourselves? Is the girl who seems snobby really just shy? Is the talkative guy in the middle of the classroom really nervous? How much can we really know? How much do we assume?

The next time you think you know what's in someone's "black box" take a moment and think about what it would mean to them for you to assume positive things. Look for the bright side of people. It's the little things that matter. Remember their name, smile when you see them, hold the door open, etc.... These are things that can help people assume positive things about you....

My Problematical Musings....

2009-06-22T22:40:00.003-04:00

Life moves on and keeps moving forward. The weekend was full if not overly productive. I did a load of laundry (trying to get used to the idea of paying to do laundry again...). Prepped food for the freezer and you guessed it...... studied!

Lastnight I was lucky enough to be sitting in a seat at the Wang Theater watching The Color Purple!!! It was awesome! You should look at pictures of the theater online but keep in mind that the pictures don't come close to doing it justice. If The Color Purple is coming to a theater anywhere near you..... GOOOOOOO!!!!!

On the train home lastnight I was unfortunate enough to be standing near a group of young females. Upon further inspection and listening... it was discovered that.... they are medical students graduating in the next week to begin their residencies. That was a hard one to hear. Each of them is younger than I am and one of them is taking the pediatric track. God puts us where we are for a reason and I realize that. However, He could have placed me in a different car lastnight and I would have been fine. Where would I be now if I had followed my original track? Where would I have gone to medical school? Who would I have met in med school?

The path of my life has presented both heartache and blessings. Without the schedule and job I've had the last couple of years I couldn't have helped out at home or spent time with Grandmama before she died. I wouldn't have phlebotomy training, friends in Greensboro, a permanently injured back, or the car I (my dad) has. When I was in the wreck three years ago I gave a lot of thought to my choices and my path. Life had thrown some curveballs and without them I would not have been going around that curve on that particular afternoon. But life isn't predictable and if it was... would it really be any better or any more fun? Life is like my moving boxes....with each slice of the packing tape new surprises are in store. I'm a planner. I like to plan. It's why weddings are fun (stressful but fun...) to do. The best laid plans are often the first to go. Why is that? With no surprises and no struggles, would I really need Him? Would I really care? Without the last ten years....would I be who I am? No!

A small painting on my wall says "If You're Handed It. You Can Handle It." It's on my wall for a reason. The next time you have a heavier load than you think you can bear.....just remember. It's not about what I can do or you can do. It's about what we can do with each other and His guidance.

A story of purposeful paths:
If I had continued down the medical school road I wouldn't have gotten to know Christy so well. If I hadn't gotten to know Christy I wouldn't have lived beside her. If I had not lived beside Christy I wouldn't have fallen in love with her "psycho" cat Max and a stray cat on the front porch. Without Christy I wouldn't have picked my next two apartments. Without the second apartment I wouldn't have gained drug dealers for neighbors. (There is a point to the story... and no it was NOT Christy's fault!) But without the drug dealers I wouldn't have met a scrawny bundle of bones covered in fur. If I hadn't lived on the first floor I wouldn't have had a fur ball running in and climbing under my covers when it rained. The drug dealers were kicked out. They took their puppy and days later the tiny ball of bones covered in fur, mud, gunk, and fleas was found with no home.

She's a special cat. She cleaned up well and I had my first experience with how fast fleas can multiply. But she's special in another way. The vet's guess is that she ingested drugs at some point. She is smaller than expected and experiences seizures. The road that curved around the mountain with blind curves brought me to a degree specializing in children with special needs. That same wandering path brought me a cat with special needs. She is special and everyone who meets her falls in love. She is also a great comfort to me with the distance to friends and family being so great. God knew many years ago where this journey would take me and in a round about way He provided me with a traveling companion.

What curveball have you been thrown? What curvy path have you taken? How did you expect your life to turn out? What would you have missed out on without the wandering? What have you learned along the way? Do you ENJOY the JOURNEY??????

I am off to bed for I must be on the T (subway) seven and a half hours from now. Good Night all!!! (Please leave comments!!! and Enjoy the picture of my "special" companion)

This Week...

2009-06-19T19:29:00.003-04:00

...has been interesting... and LONG!

Monday was anatomy three hours of anatomy lecture and then more orientation seminars. (Can you feel my enthusiasm?) Tuesday was Professional Socialization ("P. Soc") lecture and then anatomy lab. I was able to use the rib cutters on our cadaver! Wednesday was a day of P.Soc. Lecture in the morning, a lunch break, and then P.Soc lab. It was really good to start getting our hands "dirty" with some actual PT skills. We worked on shifting patients in bed, rolling patients, from lying to sitting, etc... Thursday was GREAT! After lecture was more time in the dissection lab at Harvard... or "Hah - Vodd." I was able to remove the heart and lung from our lady. I can't begin to describe how honored I feel that this lady donated her body so that we can learn. What an amazing gift!

There is a lot to do in Boston but my schedule doesn't currently leave any extra time for exploration. This morning I spent some hours in the cadaver lab and then learned a valuable lesson. Between my back and my continued recuperation from surgery.... it is NOT a good idea to go grocery shopping with a loaded backpack and then carry the groceries home.... and up three flights of stairs. :) However, I am cooking to have dinners and also to have leftovers for lunches throughout the week.

My plan is to update my blog on a regular basis..... (We'll see)... and I'm going to add a list of items that are not found in the North ;)

What I've Learned This Weekend

Friends are not instantaneous.
Books don't study themselves.
After almost 200 flashcards what's a few hundred more? :)
Grocery shopping takes more time when items normally bought cannot be found.
Some people make the amazing sacrifice to help medical people learn... their body.
My favorite frozen yogurt flavor next door is Strawberry Peach.
When it rains... I have a leak..
It's hard to eat canned green beans when you can't find the can opener.
My cat, Lucy, is terrified of the Swiffer Sweeper Vac..
Foodie's market (in my neighborhood) sells balls of pizza dough for $1.37 and it's Delicious!
Dead trains on the tracks can cause delays for the greenline of the T.
I'm still not fully recovered from my surgery.
Holding a human heart and lung in your hand is amazing.
There are no scrub shops in Boston...
The sound that breaking ribs make is not a pleasant one... but one that I enjoyed.
Fresh fruit is my absolute favorite food.... (especially Watermelon!!!)
Being away from friends and family is hard...

Enjoy the list...

Hi

2009-06-17T22:09:00.001-04:00

Hi!
The original plan was that I would update my blog today.. But seeing as how I still have a million Gross Anatomy flashcards to make, cards to write, a dissection lab manual to read, dishes to wash, and sleep (at some point)... I will be posting tomorrow...

It has been a good... rough but good week... I'm hanging in there.. Lots of new info to learn..and trying to figure out how I will retain the info the best... I'll update more tomorrow...

Love ya!

Views from my Bay Window..

2009-06-11T20:16:00.002-04:00

How I Feel

2009-06-10T22:10:00.012-04:00

I took this picture in the Southwest Corrider behind my house. I walk a block down the side street and it opens up to a long walkway surrounded by flowers and gardens. It's a great shortcut to the T stop I use for school and let's be honest.... It helps to feed my photography addiction when I actually have time :)

This week has been interesting. We've (my fellow students) and I have been in orientation since Monday. There have been curveballs thrown at us and there are many who are unhappy. When interviewing we were told there would be no more than 49 in the class. We arrived on Monday to a room filled (literally) with 67 students. This causes complications...and yet no reduction in tuition. It means less hands on experience, less lab time with cadavers, more challenging to gain graduate assistantships, and less money for financial aid.... just to name a few. It's frustrating. We spend sooooo many hours praying about, thinking over, and contemplating all of the programs just to determine where to apply. Then the process is further complicated by interviews...and then acceptance letters are sent out and the stress level increases. It is a time when emotions are high and every detail is weighed.... We found on Monday that quite a few details had been left out of the information given to us. Do I love Boston? Yes. Do I love the medical access? Yes. Did I need a small class size? Yes. Would I have chosen MGH with a class size of 67? I don't know! But now we are stuck and tomorrow we will find out how bad it is.

Tomorrow we meet our cadavers. It is amazing and humbling to me that someone cared about our education enough to donate their body for science. It is what I plan to do one day and I hope the students who work on me take a moment to consider my life, my gift, and the emotions there with the sacrifice. It will be a touching and interesting day.

My classmates range from 22 years of age to 38 years of age. There are many of us who are 29 and we joke about creating a "29 club." Yesterday we were in orientation most of the day and then we participated in a mini "Amazing Race" around Boston. It was really interesting. I'll post some pictures (taken with my phone) along the journey. I was on the yellow team and really appreciated that they made sure I was okay even though I slowed them down. Our goal was to not be the last team and in that we succeeded. I was able to get to know some interesting young people along the journey. Below are some pictures from some of the stops on our race.... (sorry I couldn't get them to arranged as I wanted....)

Part of the yellow team at the Bunker Hill Monument. ( http://bit.ly/4nOqd ) Our other teammate was a great volunteer and running up the stairs of the monument. I wasn't going to volunteer!

The Bunker Hill Monument! (This is a couple of blocks from my school). These are the stairs that one teammate from each team had to climb. It wasn't me ;)

The Ether Dome. ( http://bit.ly/IbLVS )
This was really neat! I didn't know it existed until yesterday.

A view of the ceiling at the Ether Dome.

Fenway Park. Need I say more?( http://bit.ly/11WLXK )

Some of my classmates are going to the Yankee/ Red Sox game at Fenway.
BTW: The Red Sox are WON!.... ( I wonder if I'll be a Red Sox fan soon? I would love to go to a game...)

The Paul Revere Statue.... ( http://bit.ly/18Twoq )

Mike's Pastry! This is an amazing pastry shop in the North End... It's known nationwide.... Be prepared to stand in line...and get a great little white box tied up with string. We had to buy a cannoli to take to the finish line...
( http://bit.ly/mVvwN )

It was a fun day... and today has been a long day... I'm heading to bed. Tomorrow is gross anatomy.... I'll let you know how it goes :)

Please leave comments.... You can comment with your name even if you don't have an account.

2009-06-07T21:25:00.002-04:00

Sorry Guys! I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. The last month has been a bit crazy!

Here's a very short overview:

loan fell through
redo of loanage
abdominal pain
visit to ER
emergency appendectomy
four days in hospital
apartment fell through
frantic apartment search (by my realtor)
new apartment
possible abscess
another CT scan (infection but no abscess)
unable to lift anything that requires my abs... less than 10 lbs.
take it easy and recuperate (10-12 wks); as said by surgeon
packing (by everyone but me)
Mama stayed with me for a while
roadtrip from Greensboro,NC to Boston, MA with Daddy
moving changes
Christy flew into Boston
unloading of trucks (really good looking movers....)
Daddy staying in Boston to help unpack.....
Christy flies home (REALLY HARD)
Daddy's car gets towed....
Daddy leaves (REALLY REALLY HARD)

I begin grad school tomorrow! WOW! God is good... Please say a prayer and many more updates will come.

The picture is me in front of my new home.... One of the two pair of pants that fit me since the bloating of the surgery.

Tasty Tuesday

2009-05-05T19:09:00.003-04:00

Many friends have asked for this recipe so I thought I'd oblige :)

ZUCCHINI QUICHE

3 C. zucchini, chopped
1/2 C. oil
1/2 t. salt
1/2 t. basil, dried
1/2 C. parm cheese
4 eggs, beaten
1 C. Bisquick (low fat)
1/2 t. parsley, dried
1 medium onion, chopped
1/2-1 C. shredded cheese

Mix all ingredients. Bake in lightly greased quiche pan.
Bake at 350 (preheated) 45-50 min (until golden brown)

This is a great way to get kids/adults to eat vegetables and like it.... that's how I got this recipe (due to my dislike of green veggies)

Variations I have used:

glass pie plate (if deep dish...may need to cover with foil and bake a little longer)
I have added chopped ham, sausage, or bacon...
I always add more cheese than it asks for....both parm and shredded
I have used swiss, cheddar, mexican mix, colby jack.... for shredded (mex mix or colby jack is best)

Enjoy!

http://www.beautyandbedlam.com

...One step...at a time....

2009-04-29T21:39:00.003-04:00

"As for accomplishments, I just did what I had to do as things came along." -Eleanor Roosevelt

I originally posted this quote last year.
Please read the original entry here:
http://bit.ly/LJ6Rs

Today this quote has a different meaning to me. Over the last couple of weeks all of the plans made over the last three years were shattered. With that being the case the last week and a half have looked like this:

~7:15am - Wake up (if ever went to sleep)
7:45am- Cup of hot tea
8:00am- Begin phone calls (lenders, banks, collection agencies, credit bureaus......)
~2:00pm- Take a break for pb crackers with or without marshmallows...
2:15pm- Back to the phone.....
3:45pm- Stop phone calls.....Jump in shower
4:00pm- Leave for work
......Work, come home, go to bed......

In between each phone call is the falling of tears (if I can hold it until I get off of the phone). The phone calls are filled with rejections, disappointments, and people who couldn't care less. I've been screamed at, cussed at, called trash, and told that I deserve what I get.

Let me explain here that the debt on my credit is from MEDICAL bills. I did NOT buy a flat screen TV, a fancy car, a house I can't afford, or name brand clothes... I was involved in a car accident three years ago. A college kid came around the curve cutting it and hit me head on doing about 45mph. He walked away with no problems and I couldn't move the next day and it became progressively worse. The next months included visits to the ER, orthopedic surgeons, physical therapists, chiropractors, and a neurosurgeon. Hours and months of therapy, tons of x-rays, MRIs, CT scans, and injections into my spine and hips. THESE are the bills that are there... a consequence of his choice and my inability to afford a private insurance plan.

The sobs rack through my body at night as I wake up from dreams of my apartment, classes, classmates, cadavers, and Boston....

I don't tell you this so you feel sorry for me. I tell you this to be open...to be honest...to be vulnerable... and to show you how different my life has become over the last week and a half.
Eleanor said "I did what I had to do as things come along." I have looked at this quote a lot over the last week. A reminder that the only thing I can do is take it step by step. Each phone call holds possibility of school.

Whatever you are facing...take it one step at a time.... and remember you are NOT alone...

Did I Mention...

2009-04-27T19:26:00.003-04:00

...that I have the sweetest dad in the world? I know you think yours is better... but I'm here to tell you.... "Sorry! Mine's the BEST!!!"

After crying and falling apart for days...my dad was really worried... He even offered to take me to Cracker Barrel (but it would be too late when he got to Greensboro)... I blubbered...and bawled into the phone with all of the passion deserving of the heart ache I felt.... I finally hung up, went into my apartment.... shoved everything off of my bed...and cried (in the dark...almost alone... --Lucy won't leave me alone when I cry)

...my phone began to ring...and my mom's voice is on the other end... we are talking.. I'm not such an absolute mess... the doorbell rings.... [keep in mind I had asked my mom "Is daddy in bed?" her response, "Not quite yet." When the doorbell rang I asked, "Is Daddy at home?" her answer..."Well, I'm not sure?"]

and when I opened the door my dad was standing there with a Wendy's bag and the biggest diet coke I've ever seen (I swallowed every single drop!)... I tried not to cry and was even more touch when he declared he was spending the night. It was an unexpected surprise but a nice one... My apartment was a wreck. He didn't care. I had nothing to offer him for breakfast. He didn't care. He was there because if it were him he wouldn't want to be alone. Did you know he and I are a lot alike. I was unable to put into words the need for companionship...but he knew without me asking.....

Did I mention I have the best Daddy?

I love you Daddy!!!!!

This Weekend....

2009-04-27T19:17:00.004-04:00

....I ran away! I ran away from:

the apartment I should be packing...
the reminders of a Boston trip that raised hopes so they could be crushed....
the stupid waterbug in my kitchen (yeah I know...GROSS!)...
the constant phone calls to credit bureaus and lenders...
the rejection letters.....
the letters and info from MGH I that should be making me excited...
the laundry that needs to be done...
the dishes that need to be washed....
the empty fridge...
the quiet apartment
my lonely existence...
and the intense sorrow I can't seem to shake...

I ran away... the first plan was to the beach house at Topsail. Then with the weather being so beautiful and the possibility of family using the house and the fire raging in Myrtle Beach...that idea was scratched..... Instead I ran away.... ...to my parents' house....with Lucy in tow... (her first trip to China Grove) It was a nice escape... Time with Mama... moments with Daddy... Five Guys... and a day full of Hallmark movies.... ....Now it's back to reality and the realization that it's real and I will not be going to school.... takes my breath away!!!!! The pic above was taken this weekend... One of Mama's purple irises...

An Apology

2009-04-21T15:37:00.004-04:00

This is an apology to the four people who read this blog. It hasn't been updated in a while and it may still be a few days or week before I can write something not on the depressing side...and I don't want my blog to take on a depressing tone.

It has been a LONG week. A roller coaster of which I can't seem to get off! The Boston trip had it's ups and downs and the time since then has also had it's ups and downs.

I'm struggling. I'm struggling bad. Last ditch efforts to keep my dream afloat are disappearing before my eyes and I'm tired. No... exhausted. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't laugh....

I'm tired of getting up just to be knocked down again. I'm tired of the storm that's raging inside. I'm tired of being unsure of myself. I'm tired of people being unsure about me. I'm tired of having to fight for an education that I have worked hard for. I'm tired of trying to convince people that I'm a worthy investment. I'm tired of medical bills pulling me under...and I'm tired of paying for someone else's stupid mistakes.... I'm tired...

Sad to say that even the hours in the Word that usually bring me peace aren't touching this sorrow....Another layer was added last night when I found out a friend from high school lost her battle against cancer.... It's been a LONG week....and I'm tired....

Prayer Requests for THIS WEEK!!!

2009-04-14T05:10:00.004-04:00

Hi! This week is going to be busy and so I thought I'd post some prayer requests. If you aren't a person who prays...a thought would be nice too :) I'm seeking clarity, peace, assurance, and financial stability...

TUESDAY: (Today since it's 5:11am and I never went to bed) I will be flying to Boston. Flight leaves at 11:20 am...through NY..and then to Boston around 4pm. The goal tomorrow is just to spend some time in the city and relax.... Please pray for safety/smoothness in traveling and no glitches along the way...

WEDNESDAY: At noon I meet with a broker to go and look at apartments. (In Boston approx. 98 % of apartments are held by brokers---lucky me :)) I have seen one online (with this firm) that I like...although cheaper would be better...and a fourth floor walk-up is NOT my first choice. Please pray that "the" apartment for me will be one of those the broker has chosen to show me. Please pray that the paperwork works out and that what I have is enough.

THURSDAY: At 11am I meet with a realtor to look at apartments she has picked out from multiple brokers... The problem with this is I have to pay a broker fee + a realtor fee = 2 month's rent! And just to give you a ballpark for Boston... for a 1 bdrm the size of a tic tac box it is $1500-$2000/mo. Now add in my need to be near public transportation and have easy access to hospitals and I have just been placed in the more expensive city...rather than the "burbs." This I think goes without saying...but... a major prayer request for the finances. This is both for the money upfront (4-5 month's rent) and for the cost of tuition and living in the city for the next three years. My credit is not good (due to no insurance and a massive medical debt). I just need to get into ONE apartment that I can call mine for the next three years....It's a dream... a dream I'm willing to pay for in the future... and a dream that I am trying to trust God to work out. At this point the entire thing is terrifying... Please pray for the realtor that she may show me "the" apartment if I haven't found it by now... patience of me..and calming of nerves.

FRIDAY: The morning is free... free for paperwork..free for viewing more apartments... free for fun :) I fly out of Boston at around 8:30pm and arrive in Greensboro around midnight. A long week but an interesting one....

Obviously I would love to find a diamond in the rough. Great neighborhood... or close. Price below market value. More space than a tic-tac box :) and to add one more (for Laurie).. an apartment on the fourth floor or below....

God Bless!

Quotes Updated...

2009-04-13T00:46:00.001-04:00

Hi! The quotes over on the right side have been updated. I'm planning to be better about adding to them consistantly :) Enjoy!

Happy Resurrection Day!

2009-04-12T23:51:00.005-04:00

Today Mama, Amy, David, and myself went to my dad's new church (near) in Trinity. I always like going home to my dad's churches. I miss the old hymns and the use of a hymn book. It allows me to stumble through the alto part :) It was a good service and we were able to eat lunch together (sort of) before Amy and David hit the road for High Point. I was really excited when an older gentleman picked up the mike for the restaurant and asked everyone to please bow their heads for a moment of silence in honor of the day. I was further surprised when he began to pray and included specifics on what this day means..... Wow! It was nice to be somewhere where being a Christian isn't a bad thing. I remember being in elementary school and having a moment of silence before lunch. Even then it was iffy but at least student led prayer was still allowed.....Sad... What will it be like when my children are in school? my grandchildren?

Mama and I were talking about the Easter story last night and it hit me..... it's been a long time since I had read the Easter story. Today after a half nap on the loveseat I began to read. Below are my observations. They are few but meaningful to me:

God is gracious! I love the thief hanging beside Jesus. He doesn't kiss up to Jesus. He doesn't pull any punches. He doesn't beg for special privileges. He is straight forward and ask for very little. He asks Jesus to "remember" him. Jesus goes above and beyond by telling him "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." Jesus was innocent. The thief was not. Jesus was in agony at this moment. He was truly struggling and He took the time to offer words of comfort to a "thief." How often do we dismiss the needs of others because we are unable to look past our own problems? Jesus forgave and took his penitence to heart. He knew that the thief was honestly sorry and seeking forgiveness. He gave it. Who are we to withhold forgiveness from one who requests it?

The crucifixion was GRUESOME! The details of His death make me physically sick. The pain, the torture, the enjoyment of the torturers, the cries of the crowd, the tears and sorrow of the followers, the anguish of his mother, the heartbreak of Jesus and what He had to bear.... How can we read this without weeping? He did all of this for us! I'm not worthy... I could give you a mile long list of reasons right this second and you and I know I will add more reasons tomorrow and the coming weeks. It is our human nature. What love He must feel for us in order to do this! He could have taken Himself off of the cross at any time. He could have told God He refused.... instead He hung there, He bled, He bled more.... He listened to the chants, He listened to the ridicule of the soldiers, He hurt, He was stabbed in the side.... He died..... for ME! He did all of this for me. What have I done to make Him proud?

God can (and does) perform Miracles! Jesus rose from the dead. How can we doubt that a Father who has the ability to raise Jesus from the dead is not listening to our prayers? Why do we question His ability to perform miracles? I am guilty of this. I've seen it many times and yet I am slow to fully trust Him to take care of all of my needs. I try to remind myself that when the need seems too large to fulfill .... it is still "very small" and very "do-able" to God!

"At the cross at the cross..where I first saw the light. And the burden of my heart rolled away. It was there by faith, I received my sight... and now I am happy all the days..."

"Up from the grave He arose... with a mighty triumph o'er His foes...."

"Christ the Lord is risen today. Hallelujah...."

"He risen Hallelujah! He risen Hallelujah! Death where is your sting? Behold the King of Kings..."

(These are just a few of the MANY hymns.... What are your favorites? What are the words? What do they mean to you?)

HAPPY EASTER!!

Good Day... Odd People

2009-04-08T22:43:00.006-04:00

The title describes my day!

I began the day by heading to campus for my cardio class and worrying about how to fit in a shower between class and an appointment. Due to a phone interview my class was cancelled and only a signature was needed for attendance. I left there a little lighter in my shoes and excited about my appointment with Lorraine (Brit PT) for a manual therapy session. The session was GREAT as usual. My hips actually work now and my shoulders are a little less likely to be called earrings :) It was also a lot of fun to talk to Lorraine (PT) about Boston and starting school. She has been a real support along the way; acting as a sounding board and offering advice.

I decided I needed some "me time" before work. So I left PT and went to the park to spend some time with plants, flowers, trees, and my camera. The original plan was to spend thirty to forty minutes in the park. Almost two hours later I was exiting with a smile on my face and lots of pictures in my camera.

Now for the odd people! I like meeting people in unusual places like a park. I am not however fond of organized meetings. (just a random piece of information about me :) ) Today I first met a lady that I will describe as "wacky" "odd" and a bit "crazy." She was walking along with a stroller and a dog "on a leash." Let me elaborate.... the leash was connected to the dog's collar but the leash was just dragging on the ground. No person (woman) held the handle on the other end. Upon further inspection I found the stroller to be empty and realized the anticipated occupant was the dog! After going about my business and increasing my picture count, I turned to discover the lady pulling out a quilt to place on a bench. Guess who the quilt was for....the dog. She then explained that the dog was less comfortable and complained more without the quilt. All I can say is...... WOW!

Now to the second person! I met a really cute old man with two small dogs. After talking to the man and loving on the dogs I was given the full story. The gentleman's wife died two years and thirty-three days ago. The pain and anguish from the loss of his wife was almost unbearable. Thus leading to his choice to adopt a dog. Since he was once a professional runner he decided that a rescued/retired greyhound would be the proper choice. He fell in love with one of the dogs and found that the two were inseparable. So what did he do? Came home with both of them... He was a really nice gentleman with a beautiful smile and a great laugh. I only wish I had asked his name!

The stress has been high lately. All of my nails are gone....due to my teeth! (I don't bite my nails... ever!) God knew I needed a laugh today and he provided them in abundance. First with an unexpected run in with a friend, then with a hilarious care bear story from Lorraine. As if this wasn't enough.... I then was gifted with run-ins with the "interesting" lady and a kind gentleman with a great laugh.

It never ceases to amaze me when God delivers exactly what I need! Is it "coincidence" or "a plan"? What do you need? He says "Ask and ye shall receive..."

A Foggy Morning

2009-04-03T01:54:00.010-04:00

I like the picture above. (I can't remember the name of the flower) It was taken at my parents house at the end of the day. The light is coming in a window and the plant was pretty large. The only flowers that you can see are the ones flooded in the light.... Ponder that for a moment. Without being flooded by His light... Are we really showing our true beauty? This is a reprimand for myself as well as a question of you. I have been slacking on my time in Bible study and I feel it down to my core. It's something I'm working on....

Saturday I helped my dad with a photo shoot in Troy, NC. I enjoy helping him, it's like "our time." We've been taking pictures of some of these kids for about many years now. It's been fun watching them grow up. There are a few who are little brothers and sisters of children I used to keep in afterschool. That always makes me feel old :)

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a morning person. Some of my favorite morning memories are from growing up. Mama or Daddy would wake me up. I would slowly move after the fourth time or the "this is the last time I'm telling you" that always began my day. (No that's not my favorite part!) My favorite was walking into my kitchen where Daddy would be leaning against the kitchen sink. His comment "Good Morning" and response "(grunt)." Then I went to lean on him for a really good hug....for you see- He and I are alike in the morning department. We're both fine once we wake up but it's a little slow moving until then. My mom is a morning person and Amy.... well we will just say- Don't speak to her in the morning until she speaks to you. From me you get a grunt and from Amy you get a glare....

So anyway, I am sleep deprived and I digress. Saturday morning we had a photo shoot... it was a little different than usual because it wasn't classical music playing on the radio or npr. As we traveled down the country roads at 6:30am it was an interesting view. (Of course I didn't have MY camera....on the way to a photo shoot.) It was foggy that morning and as we would come around curves you could only see small portions of lengthy roads usually in clear view.

I was already a little out of sorts. Times of quiet and my mind don't really get along these days. I keep running schooling issues through my mind. This morning was no different. Daddy of course asked "So what's new with the school situation." My reply "nothing... I can't do anything without money. I'm just waiting....and praying." We rounded another curve....more foggy roads...and then it hit me. The reason I was able to find such comfort in the foggy roads is because it's where I am. My life at this point is a foggy country road with twists and turns. I know what is on the other side. I know what is at the end. I know where it began and where I am now. What I don't know is the in between.

Right now there are things stuck in the fog. How do I get past the issue of getting my loans two weeks after classes begin? How do I pay the broker fees, realter fees, first month, last month, security deposit on an apartment...especially with apartments costing $1500/mo. That rent alone is what I pay in three months now!!!!! WOW! But somehow in the fog there is peace. I haven't looked at the apartment listings online because I'm tired of watching them decline. There were 8 available for June 1, 2009. Now there are two. What can I do? Does looking make it better? NO! How do you actually move from an apartment in Greensboro, NC to a fourth floor walk up (did I mention I found one I LOVE?) in Boston, MA? How do you rent a U-Haul for that far? How do you get the furniture up the stairs? How do I get my cat, Lucy, to Boston? How do I squeeze time with all my family and friends into 7 weeks?

Yep--that's right folks... A little over 7 weeks!! and then I need to be moving. Two months from Wednesday my first class at MGH (well Harvard) begins. Think of all the things I need to do.... aarrrrggghhh (did I mention I'm going to school to be a pirate?- j/k)

All of that to say... Life is stressful. I'm worried. I'm trusting God but some days are more weakly trusted than others. I'm hopeful...while being cautiously optimistic!

So now allow me to tell you a God Story:

My dad is currently an interim minister at a church in Trinity, NC.
There is a man there ( well several really :))
One man in particular has decided to gift me the use of a moving truck
and two men to help with loading, driving the truck (to Boston) and unloading!!!
Boxes are also taken care of and my dad and I will ride up in his car.
(I'm not taking one-- No point right now.)
So right now up to me for moving is packing tape and gas for the car!!!
God is amazing!
The best part was watching my dad's face as he told me on Sunday evening...
I think this path has been a rough one for my family but also a blessing.
It's so neat to see God work in ways that are so perfect it blows your mind.
To help even more...
My friend Christy (will be flying up for the move) has volunteered
to take Lucy on the plane with her :) He he he!!!
(medicated of course... Lucy... not Christy!)

So things are working out little by little. I'm trusting that the rest will although I'll admit that sooner would be better than later :) For now I'm heading to Wilmington for the weekend.. my last azalea festival for a while (see I'm being hopeful!) and a chance to spend time with my family.

I hope each of you has an amazing weekend with a chance to enjoy the little things. They are often the most important and have the greatest impact. Enjoy your friends...enjoy your family and realize that each day is a gift... one we may not be given tomorrow. Enjoy each moment :)

A Boston street. I love that streets like this exist a couple of blocks from sky scrapers!

New and old exist together!

They sign on my school building. It's located in the naval yard in Charlestown.

Early Morning Pondering...

2009-03-27T02:44:00.004-04:00

It's 2:45am and I'm obviously unable to sleep.

Things I have tried (in the last 3 hours) to induce sleep:

lying in the dark with eyes closed and silence...

lying in the dark with eyes closed and gentle piano (Dino) in the background with nature sounds

reading four chapters of Eleanor Roosevelt (I love her!)

drinking hot tea (just encouraged trips from bed to bathroom :) )

cuddling with Lucinda Lou (my cat)

a warm shower

catching up on reading blogs I follow (sick children in my church...)

catching up on Flickr

catching up on my Scrabble games with Mama

updating playlist

.....writing this blog entry

So here I sit absolutely totally truly awake without an inkling of sleepiness. Could it be the fried zucchini I ate with dinner? (It's AWESOME!!! --Jam's Deli at Friendly Center for those of you in GSO) Could it be the stress about school? Could it be excitement of spending some time with my parents? Could it be the need to plan the meals and food prep for freezing at Mama and Daddy's? Who knows why...

Observations of my day: (boring... I know...)

Laurie's birthday is tomorrow and she'll be the old age of 27!
Children get sick..but God is sovereign.
Brenner's Children Hospital is an amazing gift of God....
Rain makes the air smell like eucalyptus (my neighbor has a tree)
I like the sound of the rain on my AC unit
If you wear pants that are too long and shoes that are low and it rains... you have to hold your pant legs up as you walk through the yard....
Friends are a good thing to have.
A full size washer and dryer is better than my friend's English washer and dryer that are a 1/3 size of mine...
I do not look forward to carrying my laundry down stairs and through streets to a laundry mat in Boston.
Music from my childhood is much more comforting than the music of today (wow that made me sound much older than my 29 years)
Some people choose to photoshop their photos while I choose to leave mine alone. We will never agree on this matter....let's just respect each other....
Seeing children I know in the hospital makes me even more certain of my purpose in being a pediatric PT.
The Lord works in mysterious ways... using a ultrasound after a UTI to show a tumor in a 2.5 yr old.... using a neb treatment to keep an infant in the hospital just when he needed to be there due to SVT.... using a young boy's spinal surgeries and blog to bring others closer to Himself...... Wow!

What have you noticed today? What little things jumped out at you and said.... "Hey I made this just for you... I love you..." That's what He says in each flower, tree, bird, raindrop, sun ray, child, adult, laugh..... (click on the photo at the bottom of this post and see if you notice a part of the pansy you don't normally see...)

Think of all of the flowers that bloom and no one sees them.... Look around... pay attention and you just may see an "I love you" sign made just for you!

May God bless you with a great day of small blessings and great surprises....but just in case you worry... Remember

Psalm 94:19 "For when anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul." (JOY!!!)

Love...True and Simple...

2009-03-24T12:50:00.003-04:00

I listened to a young lady at school discussing her need to go to school in order to find a husband that is worth having. Hmmmmmmm.... She is "planning"/contemplating going to PT school. After listening to the sad and ridiculous conversation for a while she turns to me and says "You're going to PT school, aren't you? You understand what I'm saying." Ummm.. NO! I'm going to school for me. It has nothing to do with the expectations others have for me or my future husband. Quite frankly, I want a husband who would love me if I was fat and a trash collector, thin and a PT, or rich and a doctor. I want someone who wants me for me... not for what I have done or what I will become... I certainly not going to graduate school to gain a husband.

I'm going to grad school to gain a knowledge that will allow others to participate in daily functions with less pain. I'm going to grad school to use my background as a patient to be a compassionate supporter of my patients. I'm going to grad school in order to be a better advocate for my patients. I'm going to grad school to accrue a massive debt. I'm going to grad school for me... because I know my purpose... I know my calling... and I have not struggled this long and worked this hard for nothing. I'm going to grad school because God has deemed it so and because I busted my butt, worked hard, and TRUSTED!

The lyrics below are for a song "Love Me" by JJ Heller. The song is the last one on my playlist. (You should listen to it... it's beautiful...)

This song really deals with the deep inner need that we all have to feel loved. Unconditionally, no strings attached.... Truly loved... In the end is a reminder of the one who loves us... always!

LOVE ME
-JJ Heller

He cries in the corner where nobody sees He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew.

My Morning....

2009-03-23T15:15:00.004-04:00

...This morning I was still under the covers chanting to myself... "Today's going to be a good day....today IS going to be a good day.... today's going to be a good day.... This is gonna be a good week.... This IS going to be a GOOD week....." So as I jumped in the shower and dressed for my cardio kickboxing class I was feeling confident that today was going to be a good day!... I then grabbed my water bottle and my student ID, locked the door, headed down the hill, and this is what I found......

....no worries... the hubcap was already gone! However the tire didn't look like that when I parked it on Saturday... I'm no expert on cars but my dad made sure I knew enough: I can check/add oil, add gas, add water, check tire pressure, add air, change a tire...and even change the oil and air filter (thanks to my brother in law).... I know enough to know...this isn't good!

I didn't think it would be wise to change it with my back. Seeing as how I have to jump up and down to get the bolts off....I would be feeling it for days. So I shot a text to one of my dear friends (I just knew she would be able to help!). Unfortunately, she doesn't know how to change a tire, yet! BUT...her lovely boyfriend was home sick today and willing to help me out!!!!! So after stealing a block from a neighbor (with a No Trespassing sign on his door), removing the flat, putting on an almost flat doughnut, and putting air in the doughnut.... I headed to the tire place...

Only to find that my flat had four nails in it...and oh by the way...the tires have dry rot... So after hours of waiting and hundreds of dollars I didn't have... I now have four new tires. There is, however, something to be said for new tires. There was a tremendous difference in the ease of steering!

I'm hoping this afternoon takes a curve and climbs a hill instead of continuing on a downward slope!

So the Gist of it is.....

2009-03-22T17:14:00.004-04:00

...it has been an amazing and horrific two weeks!!

The amazing!... I was accepted to my top two choices. Massachusetts General Hospital Institute of Health Professions ("MGH Institute" "the Institute" "Mass General Institute") and University of St. Augustine. Honestly, when I was accepted into the program at MGH I was hoping I would not be accepted to St. Aug. (I'm not so fond of making hard decisions about myself). No such luck. To make matters more interesting....St. Aug starts in Sept which would give me longer to find a place to live, more time with friends and family, and a chance to breathe... but when it comes down to it....

.... living in Boston is one of my dreams. I came home from a medical internship 12 years ago declaring I was going to live in Boston one day. My parents did what all parents do... "ok.. honey"

It was hard for me to apply to schools in Boston. It's a long way from home, it snows there (a lot), the rent is outrageous, it's a huge city, it's not handicap accessible in a friendly way....but then I kept coming back to my longing to live there. So I applied and figured if I was invited for an interview I would decide about living there. With invitations for two interviews I nearly ran to the plane..... During my time in Boston I kept trying to find reasons for me to not live there. I couldn't.... other than cost. In the end.... I'm single... I have no children....and my parents are not in need of me full time... Now would be the best time to go.. And just in case you don't know... the DPT program at MGH Institute is rated (#5/#7) in the country..... (there's a three way tie for fifth place...so they could be fifth, sixth, or seventh :) ).

I applied to this school for fun. It's a school I would love to attend but never expected to get into (like someone with a C/D average applying to Harvard). Did I mention that my first class at MGH will be at Harvard Medical School ?

So obviously in my wandering speech you can see that I made a decision... Now the bad news....

Although it looks like I qualify for the cost of tuition and cost of living in loans. I will NOT receive my student loans until two weeks after school starts.

Let me elaborate....Between now and two weeks into classes I have to: pay deposit ($400) , get an apartment ($6,000 down.. minimum), buy books ($900), connect utilities (will have to pay deposits since I'll have no income), buy clothes (I have none...and especially not nice, khaki, or business), buy scrubs, move (boxes, tape, U-haul truck), go to Boston for apt (flight, hotel, food).... the list goes on and on.... You can see the problem....

So I'm a bit stressed.....and at this point I don't know....

Guess What....

2009-03-03T23:46:00.001-05:00

...I interviewed at MGH Institute in Boston on Saturday morning....

...Saturday afternoon.......

...I was ACCEPTED!!!!

One Down....

2009-02-25T10:28:00.004-05:00

...and Two to Go!

Last weekend was University of St. Augustine, FL. This week it is Boston!!!! Within three and a half hours... I will be sitting beside Christy... on a plane.... going to BOSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By 6:30 (barring any delays) we'll be arriving in Boston...and Laurie will be arriving tomorrow.

I'm sorry.. Do I sound excited? I am! and nervous...and exhausted....and terrified.... and enjoying the ride! Please pray for traveling safety for all of us, a calming of my nerves, the best words to say...and the riddance of what I have named "Interview Brain Mush" :) (on a previous entry there is a much more eloquent prayer!)

I'll let you know how it goes and I'm sure there will be tons of Boston and St. Augustine pics both here and at my flickr account!

http://flickr.com/photos/24145810@N02/

(the picture is of Daddy and me at Vilano Beach (St. Augustine, FL)

It's Almost....

2009-02-16T01:24:00.006-05:00

....one thirty in the morning and I can't sleep!!!

(the pic above is from my trip with Christy to Old Salem. This old bed looked incredibly uncomfortable and as the guide described it it sounded uncomfortable. After lying down I didn't want to get back up.... It was like laying on very comfy clouds!)

I have to be in my potluck aerobics class at 9:30am. It's a long day with the need to get pants hemmed (by Wed), a doctor appointment tomorrow afternoon, and a test in Biomechanics on Tuesday. Throw B's teacher workday into the mix and it makes for a very hairy situation.

The sleep just isn't coming. The stress and tension about things needed and preparations for my upcoming interviews is building up. It's hard to eat, it's hard to sleep, and hard to study for my current classes... Aggghhhh!!!!! I just keep quoting Psalm 94:19....

19 When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. (NLT)

19 When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul. (NIV)

My favorite is still the NIV. I love the idea that He not only just removes the anxiety... He takes it away and replaces it with JOY! I can attest to the fact that the anxiety in me can only be taken away by Him. It is certainly nothing I can do alone.

Lord,

Help me to rely on You and you alone!

Help me to find comfort in Your wisdom and guidance.

Help me to do the best that I can do

and not compare myself to others achievements or faults.

Help my mind to stay clear and my thoughts to become unmuddled.

Help me to shine with my faith in you...

my love for the medical field....

my passion for children....

and my excitement about the PT and OT fields.

Help my body to continue on to a healthier lifestyle

and allow my body to respond with a reduction in pain.

Help me to remain focused and survive...

one day at a time.

and Lord,

Help me to realize that who I am is all I can be...

and that's good enough...

and at times...

that's Great!

Amen

Tree Hugger

2009-02-07T10:10:00.004-05:00

The flower said, "I wish I was a tree,"
The tree said, "I wish I could be a different kind of tree,
The cat wished that it was a bee,
The turtle wished that it could fly really high into the sky,
Over rooftops and then dive deep into the sea.

And in the sea there is a fish,
A fish that has a secret wish,
A wish to be a big cactus with a pink flower on it. (x2)

And the flower would be its offering of love to the desert.
And the desert, So dry and lonely,
That the creatures all appreciate the effort.

And the rattlesnake said,"I wish I had hands so I could hug you like a man."
And then the cactus said,"Don't you understand,
My skin is covered with sharp spikes that'll stab you like a thousand knives.
A hug would be nice, but hug my flower with your eyes."

The flower said, "I wish I was a tree,"
The tree said, "I wish I could be a different kind of tree,
The cat wished that it was a bee,
The turtle wished that it could fly
Really high into the sky,
Over rooftops and then dive deep into the sea.

And in the sea there is a fish,
A fish that has a secret wish,
A wish to be a big cactus with a pink flower on it. (x2)

And the flower would be its offering of love to the desert.
And the desert, So dry and lonely, that the creatures all appreciate the effort.

These are lyrics for a song "Tree Hugger" on the Juno soundtrack. I've heard this song many many times. However yesterday in preparation for an evening with one of my favorite boys..... I dug through cds for a change of pace from dancing to Aretha Franklin... (yes we do it...and I am NOT ashamed :) ) In searching I uncovered the Juno soundtrack. It hasn't been in my car since I moved and B and I were really excited. After a long and fun night of movies, Red Robin, and shooting pool I drove home. This song began playing as I turned on the car and the lyrics seemed to have an entirely different meaning to me....

Each of these creatures is unhappy with who or what they are. They each want to be something or someone different. How often do we wish we were something different? Here is just a short list of mine:

thinner
smarter
healthier
clearer skin
better musician
more organized
not a second attempt student
better a Bible study
good at memorizing scripture
better dresser
less of a procrastinator...
(be back in a few minutes.... just kidding!) :)
better daughter, granddaughter, sister, niece, friend...
more patient
more kind
more loving......
.....and the list goes on and on

No one will ever be perfect. It's not possible and even when we come close there is always something that we think could be better. What happened to being happy where you are with who you are.

I have been told by people and friends many times: "You can't seriously be as content as you are to be single and childless..." WOW! Yes I can. I'm not saying I am 100% content all of the time but I know that this is where I am supposed to be right now and going to school is my current purpose. I will add, however, that there are definitely times when I see a couple walking down the street holding hands (especially cute old couples) that I think... "I want that.." Or times like last night at Red Robin when a tiny baby in a carrier was laid at my feet. (In my head... "ohhh... I want to be a mom...--and the ache that comes with that thought, even now as I type it). But I know that I am on the right path.... I will only stagger... I will not falter! However

I realize that as each day dawns new doubts creep into our minds. Am I good enough for PT school? Will I ever get my apartment to look decent? Can I possibly get an A on my quiz/test? I wish I could run to class and not die at the end... When I dress for my cardiac aerobics class I try on three pairs of workout pants (I only own three but I try each on every time....). I enjoy my job because the boys don't care what I wear... I shocked B last week when my outfit included makeup and heels. (I was heading to the opera with Laurie after work) He was no more impressed than when I pick him up in jeans, t-shirt, and a hoodie. However in the rest of the world this is not the case and thus people all over the country stand in front of a mirror and judge the body parts with which they are most unhappy. I often think women are much more beautiful without a ton of makeup. Thousands of people go through plastic surgery for apperance. This can't be good! Really! Each time I look in the mirror I strive to name the things I love about myself... It's getting easier!

Think about these lyrics... watch the videos.... What would you want to change? God sees you as perfect...The ones who love you see you as much more than you see yourself... Look in the mirror, smile, and think of all that you have to offer the world. The cactus' flower was an offering of love to a dry and lonely desert. What kind of offering can we be to a world who is struggling...

2009-02-07T09:24:00.003-05:00

The lyrics and my post will be above.... Watch and enjoy!

As of today...

2009-02-04T14:36:00.005-05:00

...I am a bit heartbroken....

I know it sounds a bit ridiculous..However, I arrived home today after "cardiac step" class to find an envelope from Boston University in my mailbox. The envelope contained an nonacceptance letter for the DPT program. The hope was that I would be accepted there and then go to my interviews with a little less stress about acceptance. That is not how it's worked out.

So instead of eating the entire package of E.L. Fudge cookies sitting beside me...I thought I would pick up my yarn and crochet hook, turn off the TV, silence my phone...and think... This is what part of my mental travels.... (in no specific order/the way my brain works...)

Without my change of degree I wouldn't have a child development degree and my knowledge of children with disabilities...

Without my Grandmama telling me to "get off the fence" I wouldn't have gotten this far.

Without my medical internship in high school (to Boston) I would have never fallen in love with the city.... (An amazing thing when you think about it... When I went to Boston I was planning to become a doctor. God knew then that I would change my degree but what I learned and the places I visited would help shape my future..)

Without the many drives to Burlington to visit Christy and passing the "Elon University" signs the passion may not have been fueled...

Without the wreck three years ago I wouldn't have met Katie, DPT or further understood the pain and struggles that accompany rehabilitation of the back, neck, and hips... or the struggle necessary to deal with chronic pain...

Without BU I would not have looked at the other schools in Boston...

Without Christy working at Gateway I probably wouldn't have been able to volunteer there

Without volunteering at Gateway I would have been unaware of the connections that need to be made between occupational therapy and physical therapy in order to provide greater success for the patient...

Without meeting Chris Lewis I wouldn't have met Timothy.... http://www.timothymyson.com/ ... and Timothy has further cemented that working with children with special needs is my purpose!

Without friends and family experiencing my travels with me...I would be even more stressed (I know...hard to believe :) ) about my upcoming traveling and interviews....

The harder I work..the more I want to be a DPT; the more I want to be a DPT the harder I work...

The more I struggle...the more friends and family reassure....

True friends are there for you no matter what....They get annoyed when you aren't around but understand that you are balancing all the plate you can and it changes from day to day..

Love is unconditional...when someone needs you you go...when someone calls you you listen...and when someone is struggling you aim to lift them up....(The ASL sign for "help" is the right hand in a fist placed on top of the left hand (palm side up)...Now lift the right hand with the left and you just signed help... This is what we should be doing for each other.. Tearing down each other helps no one!!

Patience is a virtue that I do not have!!!!!

I crave a much simpler life....

I enjoy laughing, crying, playing games, eating, watching movies, and spending time with loved ones.... (I wish I could do it more often)

I truly enjoy crocheting and knitting items for other people.... My first baby blanket was for Timothy (the amazing little boy listed above.... please read his blog... he is undergoing some heartbreaking surgeries...) and I crocheted a bright pink one for his sister...because every big sister deserves a gift :)

Without the love of my family I would be nothing....

I love to cook and want to eat healthy..... I wish it was cheaper to do so...

I have no backup plan....without DPT it will be starting over again....

I don't want to think about a backup plan.... Being a DPT is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think of at night.....

I hope you enjoyed the list...Feel free to add your own :)

a School Update!!!

2009-01-18T18:47:00.005-05:00

Good News!!!

I received invitations for interviews at three graduate schools! I have an interview with Simmons College (Boston, MA) on February 27th and an interview with Massachusetts General Hospital Institute of Health Professions (MGH Institute) on February 28th. On February 21st I have an interview with University of St. Augustine (St. Augustine, FL).

So...I'm EXCITED, NERVOUS, SCARED, and planning trips. It's an interesting process. I have officially booked a flight to Boston on the 25th and return on March 1st. This requires three days off, a million to do lists, and a ton of money. I'm praying for time to squeeze in odd jobs...and discernment on the words I need to say.

I am praying that the interviews go well and that I am offered admission to atleast one of the schools. These are three of my top four choices! Please pray that my nerves are calmed, my trips are funded, and the interviewers see the true me and how much this opportunity means to me.

Favorite Thing #13

2009-01-18T18:43:00.003-05:00

JESUS!

I saved the most important for last... Without Him I would be nothing. Without His help I wouldn't be going to graduate school. Without his protection I could have been gone a long time ago (from an accident...). Without His gifts I wouldn't have my wonderful friends and family. Without Him I would not have the promise of a future with Him and my loved ones who have gone before me...

Do you have Him? He's there waiting...with open arms!

Favorite Thing #12

2009-01-18T17:49:00.005-05:00

the BEACH!!!!

Sounds odd, doesn't it? Each year after Christmas my family goes to Myrtle Beach for a week. As a Minister of Music the Christmas season is my dad's most hectic time of the year. The week after Christmas is when a time to take a breather is the most needed. This has proven true for me the last couple of years (being back in school). Time with family is not something I take for granted.

As graduate school draws closer I appreciate it more and more...

Enjoy the pics from the beach this year...

Favorite Thing #11

2009-01-18T17:29:00.004-05:00

CHRISTMAS TREE!!!

I LOVE Christmas trees. It's not Christmas without a ("dead live") fir in the living room. I don't go for the artificial ("fake")...it's the "real" tree that I want. The smell, the look, the constant watering, and the dropping needles....I want it all. As I write this I can see my tiny tree out of the corner of my eye. It will come down today! (I think :) )

My topper this year was a Moravian star from Old Salem :) A new family heirloom!

Favorite Thing #10

2009-01-18T17:06:00.002-05:00

RINGING THE SALVATION ARMY BELL!!!

Ringing the bell is one of my absolute favorite things to do. The first time I can remember ringing was in High School with the Anchor club. I have tried to ring every year since then. The joy of helping others is wonderful. My favorite places to ring are in lower income neighborhoods. I enjoy explaining to children that the money buys food and gifts for children who don't have anything for Christmas. Watching the joy on little faces as they place their penny or nickle into the pot with a huge smile and a "Merry Christmas."

If you have never taken the opportunity to ring the Salvation Army bell I highly suggest it. Grab your family, your friends, your small group, and your coworkers. You may not be able to donate money but you can surely donate a couple of hours of your time.

The Salvation Army now has an online kettle program where you can sponsor a kettle and encourage friends and family to donate. I give ten and a half months of warning. I plan to be away at graduate school at Christmas 2009. I will be sponsoring a kettle and I will be asking for donations. Start saving your change now. Save it all year for a great cause and help to supply those in need with a Christmas to remember!

Favorite Thing #9

2009-01-18T17:03:00.003-05:00

SPICE COOKIES!!!!

This is a family favorite. Each year batch after batch is made and the house smells amazing. Cinnamon, Ginger, and Cloves...what more can you ask for? I have a tendency to alter recipes and make them my own. This is a recipe that will never be touched...it will just be passed from generation to generation.

I don't have a picture because I didn't make any this year. I'll add a picture later.

Favorite Thing #8

2009-01-18T16:56:00.002-05:00

WRAPPING PAPER!!!!

I know it seems silly but I love wrapping paper. I love wrapping gifts. I love unwrapping gifts. I love picking out two or three papers that correspond with a little funk... However, I'm still trying to perfect the Raleigh wrapping skills.... I'll try til I die :)

Favorite Thing #7

2009-01-18T16:26:00.006-05:00

GIFTS!!

I know what you're thinking...Christmas is not about getting gifts. This I know. I do enjoy getting gifts at Christmas. Who doesn't? But my favorite part of gifts is the GIVING of gifts! I enjoy picking small gifts that make the receiver smile. The little things they mention in passing and never expect to receive.

Each year I try to give one person a special gift. This year the special gift went to my daddy. He has been working extremely long hours out in the elements on the car lot. He was the deserving choice this year. The gift: a ticket to see an opera with me. I realize that many of you are thinking that that's a ridiculous gift. Opera Carolina has an amazing season this year which includes: Barber of Seville, Marriage of Figaro, and Turando. My love for an incredibly diverse array of music is a gift from my family. Many hours have been spent in the car with my dad listening to classical music. (In a car it makes me fall asleep and it keeps him awake...) I'm looking forward to an afternoon of opera with my Daddy!!!

This year for most of my Christmas gifts I decided to try something different. Each year I give cds from Kohl's. (They are composed of songs from various artists and the proceeds go to a children's charity) This year I once again gave the cds as gifts but also decided to increase the charitable giving. Instead of giving traditional gifts I sponsored two children and two senior adults in honor of my friends and family. In a year with such a depressing economy it is especially important to give to those in greater need than ourselves.

Back from a long Absence...

2009-01-18T15:38:00.003-05:00

..Okay so here we go..
December was CRAZY! The semester about killed me, I worked a ridiculous amount of hours, traveled for days, wrapped gifts, finished grad school applications, and spent time with family.
I never finished my favorite Christmas items. I'll add a few more and then leave the list incomplete. I'll have to work on it next year:) The plan was to finish my list at the beach but when WiFi was unavailable that plan was crushed!!!

Favorite Thing #6

2008-12-22T03:54:00.004-05:00

SUNSET HILLS - LIGHTS!

There is a neighborhood in Greensboro, NC that lifts/shoots/throws balls of lights into the trees. (Apparently they use fishing rod and reels, pitchers, potato guns, and giant sling shots...) Blocks of the neighborhood participate and it's something that my friends and I look forward to every year. There is a trailer with lights where non perishables are collected for the local food banks. This year it was featured in Our State magazine, although the pictures left a lot to be desired. If you are ever in the neighborhood around Christmas you should go and see them. The neighborhood sits in between Market St. and Friendly Ave. (just down from Friendly Shopping Center going toward downtown)... Below are some pictures taken this year. This was before all of the trees were lit. Enjoy!

Favorite Thing #5

2008-12-10T22:45:00.005-05:00

My next favorite thing is: CHRISTMAS CACTUS. Although this can be disputed. In our house we call it the "holiday cactus" because you never know when it's going to bloom. This year it was at Thanksgiving.
I love Christmas cacti! They're nearly impossible to kill and when they bloom it looks like a waterfall of color. If you don't have one I recommend getting one. Looking at all of the intricate details in the center of the flower reminds me of how detail oriented God is. Rather than just creating a simple red flower He added details for both function and for our enjoyment.
ENJOY!!!

Favorite Thing #4

2008-12-09T14:50:00.004-05:00

Favorite Thing #4 is PEPPERMINT!!!

What's a tree without candy canes? Even better... little 'Christmas candy' peppermints. I saw them the other day called "reindeer pillows." Either way they are tasty!

Lucky for me... they are sold at the Farmers Market called "Peppermint Gems" :)

Favorite Thing #3

2008-12-07T10:40:00.003-05:00

CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!

I could easily listen to some Christmas music year round. I have been known to pull out the Christmas cds in July :)

This should actually be one of my top choices however I have changed the playlist for Christmas music. Obviously there aren't a lot of different songs yet but a variety of artists. Tow of my favorites:

"Joy To The World" -Aretha Franklin

"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" -Barenaked Ladies w/ Sarah McLachlan

Enjoy! I'll be adding more as the days go on!

Favorite Thing #2

2008-12-07T10:22:00.005-05:00

Luminaries!!!

Luminary lined sidewalks, Luminary lined streets.....Lastnight I arrived home to see the neighborhood across the street filled with luminaries. There were hundreds and hundreds of luminaries. This is my first Christmas year so I don't know how long the neighbors keep them out. So I went for a walk and enjoyed the beauty of the twinkling tea lights, the crunch of the leaves under my feet, and the cold air making my nose numb.

Enjoy the pictures (there may be more later..)!

I love when you reach an intersection of luminary lit streets....the possibilities seem endless. Here's hoping that your next year will be full of endless possibilities....with a path clearly lit..

Favorite Thing #1

2008-12-05T12:12:00.004-05:00

This is my absolute favorite time of the year. So I decided to post some of my favorite things. The first is TANGERINES!!!! I love tangerines! I am overloading on Vitamin C eating bags and bags of tangerines... Have I said the word enough?

My mom bought a box of clementines one year to show me how wonderfully tasty they are. Needless to say.. It backfired! They were so sour they turned our mouths inside out:) I'll stick with my tangerines!

Enjoy the pics...

For Amy

2008-11-29T22:48:00.006-05:00

Just a few of the favorite frosty friends.... Thanks for decorating the tree with me this weekend. It was a nice way to remember good times :)...although that box of ornaments is a bit like a chinese takeout lo mein..it just keeps coming and coming...