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11 January 2015

Exchange Anxiety for PEACE? for Healing?

    We've all been asked the classic question --- "If you had to be without your hearing or your sight which would you choose?"  How did you answer?  How would your life change if you were to lose one of your senses?

Spending time today meditating on my life verse in a special way --
"For when anxiety was great within me Your consolation brought JOY to my soul."
Romans 94:19

     You see the last six- seven months or so have been a little rough.  They began with a real conversation with my PCP (who I fully expect to ditch me as his patient one day :) ) about my knowledge that something was not right in my body.  I didn't know what was wrong but I knew something was wrong.  The following months included a trip to the ER directly from work and 1.5 weeks of creatively maintaining my Whole 30 diet while a patient in the hospital (NOT an easy task). That lovely medical vacation was followed by more medical tests due to surprise findings on my inpatient MRI. My next vacation called FMLA included significant surgery and a longer than expected recovery.  

     I returned to work relieved that it was over and began attempting to once again accrue some PTO (paid time off).   Follow that with two illnesses, multiple IVs, hospitals, a week out of work, and we end up at today and my choice of focal verse.

    The last illness progressed from a GI issue to upper respiratory.  That I am used to -- I'll even take the steroids that dislike my body so much --- but this one has added a special challenge.

    Two weeks ago this Tuesday I awoke in the morning with no hearing.  I stumbled out of bed, bumped into walls and tripped over my feet trying to get out of my bedroom.  I slammed books on the floor.  I slammed cabinet doors.  All I could hear was my heartbeat.  When seen my the doc last week I had next to no hearing in the R ear and minimal hearing in the L.

    Work this week was interesting -- and funny for my co-workers. I was the PT who couldn't smell, couldn't taste, and could barely hear.  There was an elf who is named Tom.  I thought for sure my kiddo said "Carl."  My kiddo who described working with groups in math class and I was certain she was saying "grapes." Umm -- no.  Those are the least embarrassing mistakes made this week. My loving co-workers learned to yell and all the while I tried to keep my sanity. It was getting better bit by bit --and then

    Today I awoke with minimal hearing once again. I have never taken my hearing for granted.  I grew up in a musical home where singing, whistling, humming, piano, clarinet, and flute were common sounds.  There is always music in my home.  

    I always answered the classic question "If you had to be without your hearing or your sight which would you choose?" Neither! (obviously) but if I had to choose I would keep my hearing at all cost because I can't imagine not hearing:
  • piano music
  • a cello
  • birds chirping
  • wind in the trees
  • the crunch of fall leaves under my feet
  • the sound of the waves on the shore
  • the sound of a sinker on the end of a line cutting through the water
  • my dad calling me "Sug" and singing hymns on car rides
  • my mom telling me "I love you"
  • my sister's crafty plans and medical chats with my bro-n-law
  • the giggles of my nephews and hearing them call "Aunt Dista"
  • my Grandmother singing along with old hymns
  • smack talk during games with friends/family
  • Lucy reminding me that it's dinner time
    I have often struggled with worry and anxiety.  It is a challenge for me.  I'm good at going to the cross -- handing it over -- and then picking up part of my worry as I stand up to continue with my day.  This is different.  If I'm honest this is scary -- and for those who know the details of the last month --- this is far more concerning to me than anything else that has occurred. 

Prayers appreciated...... as I attempt to PATIENTLY wait on the ultimate Healer. 

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