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13 June 2011

Night Time....

....is the hardest time......
(atleast for me --- I don't know if it's that way for others)... but night is when the ache creeps in.
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It's when I realize that I'm thirty one.  I'm not married. No children.  No prospects.  A third of a doctorate degree. A crazy crack baby of a cat. An apartment that looks crazy.  Have medical bills that make me cry.  Acquaintences here in Boston but no --- "call in the middle of the night" friends.
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Each day I go to clinic -- and I enjoy it -- Don't get me wrong.  It's not easy... not by any means.  But there I have a purpose.  There my patients that trust me to know and do what's best for them.  It's terrifying but GREAT when I get things right and they get better.  
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I get asked often two different questions.  1) How did you end up in Boston?  2) Will you go back to NC when you graduate?   I give my usual answers --- 1) I did NYLF (National Youth Leadership Forum on medicine)  in high school and came to Boston and loved it... love the city...  and MGH Institute of Health Professions is a highly ranked program.   2) Eventually I'll go back South.  Not because it's where I come from but because it's a part of me.  But then that brings you back to my dreams...
   I want a husband -- (my parents are celebrating their anniversary next week --- 40 years!!!! -- I want a marriage like theirs.  They've been through a lot.  Life has not been easy.  They never fought in front of us --- they "debated" behind closed doors. We were always loved and supported.  We had family dinner and talked about our days.  There were always extra place settings for the friends that Amy and I constantly brought home.  We always had a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen when we yelled at the world for being unfair.  We didn't have a lot of money but we had all that we had all that we ever needed and so much more.  I used to get frustrated that my friends always wanted to come to my house instead of us going to theirs.  But I understand.  This is what I want.  I want kids and to dream of grandchildren in the future.  I want a yard for them to play in and a garden in the back/side yard.  I want family nearby.  I want them to love Wilmington like I do and enjoy watching the leaves in the mountains from Aunt Amy and Uncle David's house.  
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I don't regret being here --- I don't regret being in this program or learning all that I'm learning.  I just didn't fully comprehend what I would be giving up.  I'm thirty one --- not twenty-two.... and on nights like this one --- it all sinks in ---  what I've given up -- where I am --- and what may be....
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At night.... I once again become the young girl dreaming of a house full of family.... packing lunches and sending her kids off to school.
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I don't regret my decision -- How could I ever tell my kids they can be anything they want to be and to reach for their dreams --- If I didn't go for mine?  I couldn't.  And so --- Here I am in Boston --- my family is all down South --- My friends all have boyfriends, husbands, wives, houses, and children.... my sister is having a baby.....  and I'm here.
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    So for now ---- I'm going to go dream of little kids with my blue eyes and tiny feet wobbling and running in the yard with the dog and a dad playing with them...


   May all your dreams come true......

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