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13 March 2010

Streaming Thoughts.......

....inside my head...

    Life changes from day to day like the temperatures in North Carolina this winter.  I've had a lot of time to think.  In some ways this is good but in many its bad.  How often do you run things over and over in your head?  Conversations, actions, mistakes, decisions, encounters..... over and over...  For me it's not really a good thing.  I tend to dwell on things.  Could I have changed this?  Should I have made a different decision?  What could I have done better?  All of these things rush through my head...  It's a bit like standing under a waterfall and trying not to drown.

   I know I was where I was supposed to be during the summer.  I guess deep down I know I was supposed to be home during this period.  I don't have to like it.  Nobody asked my permission or opinion.  I just have to survive it.  But to simply survive it isn't really the true key.... is it?  I don't simply want to survive... I want to live.  I want to make it through this period with "me" intact.  My frustration comes from the feeling of losing that.  Who am I?  Where am I supposed to be?  What is my purpose?  Who truly care?  Who really matter to me?  It's scary to think how fast it can all disappear.  

   I've been following a little girl named Layla Grace.  She was an adorable little girl with cancer and she died a couple of days ago after a long couple of weeks.  She was only here for a short time and touched so many lives.  Her mom's twitter today said "I have several things to do before Layla's Celebration of Life tomorrow, so why can't I get out of bed? It's like I can't even move."  It hit home.  This is the way I feel.  I struggle.  We all have days like this but I didn't just lose my daughter.  I'm watching a dream slip away.  It's nowhere near the same.  and yet.... I'm stuck... under the same waterfall.... spinning in circles but never getting from beneath the falls....  But you know what?  There is hope.  A tweet I received this afternoon "There is a proof of hope: if you're still here, you have a purpose to fulfill. best part of life is ahead for you."

    Why am I typing this?  Why am I telling you this?  To get it out?  To share my story? (or a small part) ... Because I know others struggle with days like today?  I don't know.  

    There is a hope.  An eternal hope.  His name is Jesus.  I know He's there and I know He's holding my hand.  The Bible says that you won't be given more than you can bear.  But do you ever think that maybe God has overestimated your capabilities?  Maybe I'm supposed to be able to bear this because that's the way He made me... but maybe I've botched that up somewhere along the way.  Maybe I'm just tired... maybe I'm too tired.  I'm tired.  Tired of not sleeping, of not eating, of having to be cheerful when I feel the opposite.  Tired of trying to fill other's expecations and failing miserably each and every day.  I understand why kids who are told degrating things all the time do poorly in school and have a low self esteem.  It beats on you. Life is hard enough without feeling like a failure.  I ache for those kids...and for the adults who feel that way each day.  I have a new appreciation for the people on the subway just struggling to survive....the men, women, and children in the shelters...

    We help others....but do we help them "to survive"... or "to live?"  I've been following a blogger trip to Kenya with Compassion International.  It's the kind of things I want to do.  It's what I ache to do.  My original "plan" or "goal" in life was to be a doctor with Doctors Without Borders.  Many people don't know that.  They know I want(ed) to be a doctor... pediatric physiatrist.  But they didn't know Doctors Without Borders.  You see... if you ask people about my dreams.. my goals.. they'll tell you I want to go back to MGHIHP to get my DPT.... some will tell you I will then go to school part-time for my advanced masters in pediatrics so that I can sit for the boards to be certified in pediatrics.  All who know me will tell you I want to have kids.  I want to be a mom.  Some will tell you I want to adopt.  Those same people will explain that I want to adopt children that no one else will adopt.  What people know about you is different.  It varies with the relationship.  I don't tell much unless asked.  I can talk to you all day and not tell you about me.  It's how I roll :)  In all honesty, it's protection.  A wall that keeps me safe.
    Most of my friends are married and having their second, third, or fourth baby.  I'm not married.  School was my priority and now that's in question.  Funny how changes make you question your priorities.  For today, I will choose to believe that I'm heading in the right direction...although a bit crooked...  I'll choose to believe I am loved... I'll choose to believe that I am protected.... I'll choose to believe there is hope.  It is a choice....but some days it is harder than others.  I hope today is a day of easy choices for you... but in case it is a struggle... Read these lyrics... Listen to the song...

"I Have to Believe" by Rita Springer
I have to believe that He sees my darkness
I have to believe that He knows my pain
I have to lift up my hands to worship
Worship His name

I have to declare that He is my refuge
I have to deny that I am alone
I have to lift up my eyes to the mountains
It’s where my help comes from

He said that He’s forever faithful
He said that He’s forever true
He said that He can move mountains
And if He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move Your mountain too

I have to stand tall when the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong when I’m weak and afraid
I have to grab hold, hold of the garments
Garments of praise

I have to sing praise when the hour is midnight
He unlocks the chains that bind up my soul
My sin and my shame, He has forgiven, and made me whole

I have to believe...

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