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18 September 2009

I Don't Know What to Say....

....the words just don't come out right.

Some days I dream of school. Some mornings I wake up with the frantic feeling of having overslept. This leads to worry of missing class. And then I realize....

I'm not in school... I don't have class.... my friends are learning joint mobilization, massage, and treatment. I'm trying to motivate myself to pack up an apartment that I love and leave the city I love.

Do you sense any excitement? I don't feel any. To be honest.... I'm pretty numb. I'm trying to make it through the next week and a half and then I'll deal with it. I don't think it'll be pretty and so I'm running away to the beach... going to hide.... going to regroup... and going to heal....


My dream would be the ability to sell my photography to pay my bills and enjoy friends and family. Odd jobs are going to be my friend..... We'll see what God provides. I was hoping for mission work but it is looking like my bills won't allow for that option.....

Enjoy each day as it comes for you never know what the next will hold....

Psalm 94:19

03 September 2009

A Reminder I Needed....

It's been an incredibly rough couple of days.... and I'm coming home. I'll live somewhere else for 9 months and decide whether I come back in June or not..... It's heartbreaking. It's embarrassing. It disappointing. It's not easily understood. It's not easily expressed. I know I did what I was supposed to do. I know this is not my fault. But the "what ifs" are overwhelming.....

And so... I find myself excited about a visiting friend for the long weekend, cleaning a horribly looking apartment, unpacking a suitcase of clothes bought for school, and wondering where this road will lead, how many tears must fall, and if I have the strength and courage to continue on this journey once again.....

I received this excerpt from a book in an email and it hit home with me.... A great reminder. Maybe someone else can use the same one.

Some of you may be wondering about your personal calling in life. Being married or not being married can indeed be a calling. So can having children or having no children, working outside the home or being a full-time mom, traveling on a job or staying in an office, working out of your home or being president of something, sewing drapes, cooking at the school cafeteria, finding a cure for cancer, or creating a better meat thermometer. Dare I say, your calling in life lies not in what you do but in who you are?

Remember this. Scripture says God created us for the express purpose of giving himself the joy of love us. In being loved, we return that love. That is who we are: persons loved by God. When we return his love, we do it in a spirit of response that produces service to him. That is what our relationship with him is all about. If we do things for God because we are trying to pay him back, we miss the point of the relationship. We are not asked to earn the relationship, we are asked to receive the relationship.

So what is the call for each of our lives? To receive God's love and return God's love. We can experience that in everything we do.

(Except from Love Me, Never Leave Me by Marilyn Meberg)