29 April 2008
Step by Little Step
Yesterday during a physics review session/party I was truly blessed. I was blessed with the true joy of being able to hold the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.
I am often asked why, "Why aren't you married?" When this gets an unsatisfactory answer I am asked, "Don't you want kids?" As if I am fifty instead of twenty-eight. The truth is I do want children. very much. And yes I realize all of the complications that age can add to childbearing.... I have come to the realization that people judge by what they know. If you are married, have children and are happy. Then you assume that that is what everyone else needs to be happy. There is no fault in it but it's not necessarily true. I have quite a few friends both single and married who have no desire to have children now or in the future. I, for one, am thrilled with the idea of people who don't want kids not having kids.
But why when young people are single do we ask, "Are you seeing someone?" If they are dating we ask, "When are you going to get engaged?" Then it's, "When are you going to get married?" And then immediately following the wedding is..... "When are you going to have children? Are you going to have kids?" I watch my friends struggle with where they are and who they are. Not because of what they want for themselves or how they see themselves. It's because of the expectations of others and the pressure that is felt due to those expectations.
Holding Josiah yesterday I realized how much I truly want to be a mom. It is a part of who I am. It makes my heart literally ache to think about it. It isn't true for everyone but it's true for me. But for now it's school. Going to get my degree is what I need to do. How can I one day tell my kids that they can achieve anything that they put their minds to and to reach for their dreams if I don't reach for mine? For now I will love on others babies...I will use my maternal instincts in other ways and I will wait on the Lord.
Step by step You lead me. And I will follow you all of my days....